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November 21,2011

Are you looking forward to the holidays or are they a source of stress?

Deer in the Headlights

Click to play MP3 Podcast #1: Deer in the Head Lights

Podcast 1 – Deer in the Head Lights
Frozen in place

As I drove around the curve in the road there ahead of me, frozen in the headlights of my car, was a young female deer.  As I slammed on the brakes swerving to miss her, the deer suddenly came to life and bounded across the road, missing the impact of collision by inches.  Two young fawns came trotting out of the darkness to follow their mother into the woods on the opposite side of the road. 

In the mille-seconds in which this drama occurred, my heart was pounding, my hands had become clammy, my stomach churned and my body shaking.  My normally calm, uneventful drive home from work had just turned into a potential disastrous accident. 

Life can be like that.  We go along as usual when some unexpected tragedy, crisis, or threat appears and life slams on the brakes.  Sometimes the threat is real – sometimes it isn’t. But in seconds, our body gears up to respond, setting in motion our ability to run, fight or find ways to survive. 

Maybe you have experienced waking from a sound sleep at night. Your heart is racing; you bolt upright and strain to hear through the deadly silence. When you determine that it was your cat prowling around the house, your body relaxes and you go back to sleep. If, however, you continue to dwell on a potential threat, your body remains geared up.

Dangers we face 

For each of us, danger presents itself in a different way.  Sometimes it is real – sometimes it is our imagination playing tricks on us. What some see as a threat, others see as a challenge.  Fear helps us survive; anxiety gives us pause to determine what changes or preventative measures, if any, need to be made.

However, when possible threats or disasters are continually blown out of proportion, we remain in the fear and anxiety mode and we begin to experience dis-stress.

Today’s threats are real

The potential threats of today are very real.

  • Companies go out of business and with it our jobs.  With so many people out of work and intense competition finding a job becomes increasingly difficult.
  • Over qualification as well as under qualification can be a problem.
  • Single parents work harder and worry more about being able to take care of their kids. Shrinking retirement packages determine when and if we can retire.

The concerns are real.  And it is only normal and natural to worry.  But remaining in a fear and anxiety state drains us of energy and our ability to think and find solutions. 

Lower your fear and anxiety levels

So how do we lower our stress levels when the stakes are so high? While each situation is different requiring different strategies and options, here are some things all of us can do to reduce our worry and stress levels. 

1.  First, address your fear and anxiety.  These feelings can become overwhelming and pervasive. Write down your greatest fears and challenge them.  At the core of many fears is an underlying belief that we can’t survive because we are not good enough, smart enough, skilled enough, etc. We may focus on past failures and tell ourselves we will fail in the future.

Challenge negative thinking with affirmative statements.  Here are some sample ones:

“I am capable to meet whatever challenges I am confronted with.  I have what it takes to weather this storm. I am a good problem-solver. I can seek advice from others. I am creative and determined.  I have an “I can do” attitude.”

Create your own.  Make them positive “I” statements. 

Repeat them over and over again as many times as it takes to balance your fear and anxiety.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel or think that way.  You are putting in place alternative thinking that will release your energy and creative problem solving.

2.  Make a list of all your “what if” statements along with their
accompanying beliefs.

For example, “What if I lose my job? Then I will 
lose my home; end up on the streets, etc.” 

Now challenge each one. We project the worst in our mind.  What proof do you have that things are really going to turn out that bad.  There is a 50% chance that it won’t.

3.  Take the worst possible scenarios and brainstorm options.

“If I lose my job, I will look for part time work, drastically cut back on
 spending, sell some of my stuff, find different living arrangements, etc.”

While these may not be ideal solutions, they allow us to explore creative
 alternatives. Survival solutions do not mean you stay there forever.

4.  Direct your energy away from fear to action of some kind.  What
 preventative measures can you put in place right now for a potential
 serious downturn? 

Start budgeting.  Include your children in this process.  This is a great teaching moment. Stop all unnecessary spending.

We may think we have to have the latest technical gadget, but in reality
we don’t.  Cut corners wherever you can, start saving and downsizing.

Analyze your work skills.  How can they be transferred to something
different? Put your energy into becoming an indispensible and valuable
employee.  Even if you lose your job, you will be better prepared, more
self-disciplined and able to transfer your skills to other settings.

5.  When anxiety is triggered, take it to God and ask Him to replace it
 with peace, strength, courage and confidence. 

6.  Challenge your fears.

We are never free from dangers.  Every generation has had life threatening situations and each generation has been required to improvise and be willing to start over as many times as it takes.  

We will experience fear and anxiety.  But we can determine what we do with it.  Challenge your fear thoughts.  Are your dangers real or are they paper dragons?

Replace worry and fear with reliable and concrete information.

Affirm your ability to meet whatever challenges are thrown at you.  Then focus on what you can do and work on problems when they are in the here and now.

Also in This Series

Part 1: The Stress in Our Lives

 ©2011 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

The Stress in Our Lives

How do you deal with stress? 

What do you say to yourself about what you are experiencing?  

We can experience stress through an onslaught of everyday problems that seem to accumulate like a snowball rolling down hill.  We barely have time to deal with one major problem when another appears. 

Or we get hit with some crisis or potential crisis:

  • loss of our job or fear of losing it
  • on-going work-related problems
  • constant fighting and turmoil at home
  • loss of a loved one
  • a major illness
  • our marriage is on the rocks

We live in uncertain and difficult times with constant pressure to do more in less time and do it faster and better.  

Our Initial Response

When faced with a crisis, our initial response is shock and disbelief followed by fear and anxiety.  As we look around and see the wreckage of a well planned life now in tatters, we may feel a sense of hopelessness. We know we need to do something, but feel rooted in place, unable to know where to begin.

Our thoughts may go something like this:

“Now what do I do? I’m so tired of all the problems. No matter what I do, it doesn’t seem to make a difference anyway.” 

While these are normal and natural initial responses to the stresses in our lives, remaining in that psychological spot can continue to spiral us down out of control or send us into a subtle and lingering depression.

Words are powerful and reflect our responses to life. What we say to ourselves is critical. They set in motion how our body and mind respond to what is happening.

  • Do we panic and run?
  • Do we strike out at someone or something?
  • Will we look for a scapegoat – someone to blame for all our problems?

Problems can be so overwhelming all we want to do is crawl into bed, pull the covers up over our head and wish it all will go away. It rarely does.  

Don’t Forget to Breathe

Whenever life seems to be spinning out of control, it helps to step back and take some deep, calming breaths.  Our breathing becomes restricted and tight in our chest when we are stressed.  Taking deliberate slow, deep breaths will begin to lower stress levels. When your breathing becomes slow, steady and relaxed, you will notice that your mind begins to calm down as well.

Find a Quiet Space

If possible take a quiet time-out.  Go for a quiet walk. Or find a quiet spot to sit and just focus on your breathing. When you become more relaxed and calm, become aware of your thoughts. 

The words we say to ourselves can both motivate us and affirm our abilities or they can sink us into a quagmire of helplessness, hopelessness and defeat.  It isn’t what happens to us in life that defeats us – it’s how we respond to it.  It’s what we do with what life hands us. 

Respond Positively

Deliberately replace negative thoughts with possibility thinking. These are not Pollyannaish thoughts that skip us down a candy cane path in an unrealistic world. These are deliberate choices you are making to respond to life in a more positive way. 

It is saying: 

“I can do this.  It will be tough, but there are always solutions.  I can handle this.” 

Turn your statements into positive affirmations that can be repeated many times throughout the day.

Highlight Bible Passages

Affirm God’s love for you.  As you read your Bible, verses that speak directly to your heart and needs will often jump out.  Highlight them or copy them for easy access. 

Here are two of my favorites:   

“As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.  Be strong and of good courage…”  -Joshua 5:6

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.  I’ve called your name, you’re mine.  When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.  When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.  When you’re between a rock and a hard place it won’t be a dead end – because I am God, your personal God.”  -Isaiah 43 (The Message)

Thought for November 2, 2011

If you were to record all the blessings you have received over the years from God, what size book would you use to write them in? And what would you define as a blessing?