Whenever there is an ongoing disagreement between couples about anything important to them, communication breaks down. Differences or disagreements that appear trivial at first soon become a hypercritical conversation.
When this happens, we need to stop the conversation to clarify and ask for feedback. (For tips on how to do this, see last week’s post, “4 Basics for Communicating with Others”)
6 problems that can lead to communication breakdowns:
1. “Summarizing Self Syndrome”
Each person repeats their point of view without listening to the other person’s perspective. Both parties begin to feel hurt. Neither one feels, sees, or hears what the other is trying to say and they don’t stay on the subject long enough to resolve any problems.
If you recognize this happening, stop your conversation and ask the other person for their feedback or understanding.
2. Ramble, Stray, or Drift to Other Problem Areas
Let’s say Thanksgiving is approaching, and you start talking with your spouse about having the family over for dinner. But instead of working on details, you talk about the times you’ve had family over and the problems that ensued. Before you realize it, you are no longer focusing on planning for this Thanksgiving.
3. “Mind Reading”
We make assumptions without checking what others are feeling or thinking. Let’s say that the in-laws have been invited for dinner. You want to make a special meal, and you prepare special dishes. But when they arrive, they bring half of the dinner with them because they thought you would be tired and would appreciate the help. They never checked first, and it became a very awkward moment.
4. “Kitchen Sinking”
We drag old history, old issues, and new issues into the current conversation. For example, a husband is watching a football game and his wife accuses, “You’re always watching TV. You never do anything around the house. You are like your father, never spending time with your son. Your feet are on the table. When your friends were over, they left a big mess. You don’t care about us or your home. You promised to fix the kitchen sink.” And on and on it goes!
5. “Cross-Complaining”
Each person in a conflict states a complaint in response to the other’s complaint. Every comment is met with another counter-complaint.
For example, the wife says to her husband, “I saw this darling dress and it was on sale.”
Her husband responds, “Our budget is already overdrawn. We can’t keep spending money frivolously.”
The wife quickly responds, “If you hadn’t bought all that hunting gear last month, we’d have more money to do things.”
6. “Stand-off”
Everything is repeated over and over, generating a stubborn refusal to back down. Your thinking may sound like this: “If I give in, I’ll always be in second place.”
Every person wants approval, acceptance, and validation of their feelings, and after a while they assume the same position in every communication scenario. “If he/she would only see my point of view, then I could/would. . .” Giving in is seen as catastrophic.
Here are some suggestions if you find yourself in a standoff:
- Call for a “Stop Action.” Ask for feedback. Try to see whether it makes sense and is valid from your partner’s perspective. Even if you don’t agree, you both can be right from your perspective. Then paraphrase again and validate what you heard and understood.
- Become aware of expectations you may be attaching to things. Tell yourself that you will stop doing this.
- Ask the other person: What can we do to make things better?
- State clearly and specifically what you are willing to do. Present your recommendations in positive ways.
Threads of Life
We will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.
How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.
Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.
Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.