Let's Talk

A Deepening Peace: Discovering Peace in Tranquil Settings

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

“And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
-Philippians 4:7

Once again I gather my cup of coffee, Bible and journal and step out onto my deck brimming with potted plants. The orange and yellow nasturtiums along with green vines and shrubs create a privacy screen, a secret garden. This is my oasis, a place of solitude and quiet where I come to find renewal.

The sounds of the bubbling water fountain soothe my heart and bruised spirit. The questions about an uncertain future melt away like the early morning mists and I feel strength and confidence returning.

Peace.

One moment my spirit is dejected and feeling despair, the next I am feeling calm and serene.

What has changed? It isn’t just the hodgepodge of plants and colorful flowers that are scattered around me. It is more; I feel the spirit of God meeting me here.secret garden

I am comforted through the timeless tranquility and harmony of creation, from random flowers sprouting where least expected to the massive mountains towering in the distance, forming a backdrop for the lush forests and valleys.

Within the covers of the Bible, I find reassurance that I am not alone. My distressed spirit is calmed when I find within its simple truths the working out of healing. I am reconciled to my troubles and my losses. Here the remaining remnants of grief are comforted and soothed.

As I step into my new reality, I continue to seek words, phrases and places that feed my spirit and soul. It is in that constancy, that never changing stability, where I find ongoing and deepening peace and contentment.

There are so many losses we experience throughout our lifetime, each having an impact of some kind on our lives. It isn’t just the death of a spouse or child. It comes through divorce or when kids leave home to start their own lives.

Our way of life is altered when best friends move away, or as we get older, and age isolates us. In some way, all losses require a reframing of our world, what we can expect and what is now gone. There is some element of sorrow and the need for reflection connected with all of them.

As we retreat to a calm and welcoming space to gather our thoughts and calm our spirits, we recognize our need for God and for others. And in those moments of calming tranquility, we pray that that peace will remain when we step out of that space into the active world.

With a faith and belief that God will continue to uphold us, we can become confident as we take those tiny, sometimes faltering steps away from our past to a new beginning, where gradually what was lost is replaced with a new meaning and purpose.

As I step out of the sanctuary of my garden, I pray that the peace I was given will continue to go with me throughout the days and weeks that stretch before me. I pray that you too will find that tranquility in a sanctuary of your life.

Learning to Live Again in a New World, by Marlene Anderson | focuswithmarlene.comMy book, Learning to Live Again in a New World, offers information and guidance to healing and rebuilding your life after the loss of a loved one. Available on Amazon.com.

The Cost of Resentment: Becoming a Victim

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

Throughout this month, I have been sharing stories about the consequences of hanging onto anger and resentments.

When we have suffered injustices, especially in our personal relationships, it is hard to let go and forgive. We struggle with our desire to get retribution or justice versus letting go. Retribution or payback seems so necessary.

Therapists often hear about egregious events that people have endured. Some started early in their childhood. Unprocessed, they keep injecting themselves into our lives and color our attempts at happiness.

In this article, I share one more story from a therapy session that might help you understand the cost of hanging onto resentment.

“The lady arriving at my office had a pinched, hard face, even when she smiled. Her eyes were combative and her demeanor and stance defensive. Her vitriolic words were indicative of a long-held bitterness.

The toxicity of her resentment could no longer be covered up with expensive suits and immaculate dressing – her very physical being had been changed. She had been referred to therapy because she was experiencing more and more physical problems for which her doctors could find no organic cause.

“I don’t know why I am here,” she said. “I live a good life and do what I am supposed to do, which is more than I can say for those doctors I go to.

As I listened and gently probed her background, it soon became apparent that she held a lifetime of resentment against an older sister who hated her, stole her rightful inheritance, and tried to destroy her name and reputation. This resentment had played a major role in her health problems.

The resentment was legitimate. The grievance was deserved. Yet a lifetime spent as a self-righteous victim, rehearsing over and over how she had been wronged, was gradually destroying her – bit by bit.”

The cost of resentment had affected her entire life.

woman looking resentful with man in background

It made no difference what salary she was getting, how much power she held, whether she was the elite CEO of a major company or a secretary – everything she did was affected.

What she didn’t realize was that this long-held grievance was affecting every part of her being: physical, mental and psychological. It had become such a normal part of life that she no longer could see the correlation between these thoughts and her health.

She only looked for things that confirmed her anger and distrust. Everything that might have held a promise of happiness or joy was obstructed or blocked. She found ways to excuse herself from any wrongdoing, finding and focusing instead only on the faults of everyone else. She was a very unhappy lady.

Righteous indignation – anger turned to bitterness and hatred – will eventually destroy you.

Every part of your life becomes tainted by that hatred. Grievances worm their way into every fiber of our being.

Your Choice – Your Happiness

We select and maintain the memories that make our stories grow. When we tell it over and over again, whether to others or to ourselves, it keeps the hurt and injustice alive. We cling to a standard of rules that we cannot enforce, and automatically blame others for everything that goes wrong.

While there are many egregious wrongdoings, most offenses are committed without the intention of hurting someone personally. When they are intentional, the people committing these acts are usually ones who themselves have been mistreated and hurt.

Whether intentional or not, we can choose to continue the pain, or tell ourselves there is more to life than hanging onto offenses.

We convince ourselves that if we let go, then what happened wasn’t important. Instead, letting go is declaring that your life will not be defined and ruled by what has happened.

Forgiveness doesn’t say you were not wronged. It says, I don’t want my life to be ruled by what happened. I want to create a happy and purposeful life.

In the book of Genesis, we read the story of Joseph and his brothers. It is a classic example of favoritism, jealousy, and being wronged. Joseph was hated by his brothers and they tried to get rid of him. He was taken into slavery, thrown into prison but was released because he was able to foretell dreams.

The ruler of Egypt put him in a position of power. When the dream of an impending major drought came true, his brothers, along with others, came to Egypt to get a handout. They did not recognize Joseph, but he recognized them. And after a few transactions, he told them who he was, forgave them, and rejoiced that they were together again as a family.

Forgiveness opens the door for reconciliation.

It allows the possibility of a new relationship. It is not condoning inappropriate or hurtful behavior or even forgetting a painful past. It is choosing to let go of the hurt and pain.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but changes the present. You are choosing not to allow the past to continue to hurt you, allowing you to heal and put in place new boundaries.

Forgiveness is for you – not the offender.

It enables you to re-claim your personal power. Forgiveness does not mean you condone, deny, or minimize inappropriate and hurtful behavior or that you will automatically reconcile with your offender.

It does not mean you give up feeling, become a passive doormat or give up claims for justice or compensation.

It does mean you can become a hero by choosing not to allow your stories to be as important as you once thought they were.

When asked by his disciples if seven times was enough to forgive another, Jesus’ reply was to forgive seventy times seven. How often do we take this as a harsh command or a duty impossible to do? Yet if we flipped forgiveness on its head, we would see it as the blessing it is.

It is not easy to let go of wrongdoing.

But if you want to live a productive and happy life, resentments and bitterness will only get in the way. It might be the greatest gift you ever gave yourself.

Read Marlene’s story in Heaven Touching Earth: True Stories of Angels, Miracles, and Heavenly Encounters, stories compiled by James Stuart Bell of people’s encounter of God in tough times. Available on Amazon.com.

7 ways to Make Forgiveness a Gift, Rather Than an Obligation

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

“Of the seven deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun.

Top lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in more ways it is a feast fit for a king.

The chief drawback is what you are wolfing down is yourself.

The skeleton at the feast is you.”

-Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC

Jesus said, “Forgive seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22). We take it as a moral imperative.

But it isn’t just Jesus who tells us how important forgiveness is; science confirms it as well. In fact, not to forgive is putting a slow death sentence on ourselves,as the theologian Frederick Buechner so aptly describes.

Most of us deal with the sins and transgressions of others in the moment. We get mad, pull away, and then make up and go on. When we are the transgressors, we do the same. With minor goofs and slip-ups, we feel bad in the moment, apologize, and then continue with life.

Grievance stories

Forgive for GoodWhen we personalize indiscretions or offenses of others, however, we are setting ourselves up for the creation of a “grievance story” as detailed by Dr. Fred Luskin, in his book, Forgive for Good.

When we hang on to resentment, it becomes more toxic over time.

The suggestions offered by Dr. Luskin can help us better understand how and why we are so quickly offended and what we can do to change such a trajectory.

7 ways to make forgiveness a gift, rather than an obligation

7 ways we can make forgiveness a gift rather than an obligation

1. Don’t make “unenforceable” rules.

Unenforceable rules are expectations and assumptions that everyone must follow, or we will be personally insulted and offended. Associated with such rules are the words, should, must, have to and ought.

When you hear yourself saying these words, ask what you are demanding from either yourself or another. How are you eliminating personal choice?

2. Own your feelings.

We blame others for how we feel. People can’t make us feel a certain way unless we allow it. We can choose other ways to respond that doesn’t involve escalating anger, ill will or hatred.

3. An injury does not create a “grievance story” – we do.

We can reframe our situations, become less critical and balance troubled times with humor.

4. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

Forgiving prepares the way for reconciliation; it doesn’t automatically say it will happen. Forgiveness is letting go of trying to get retribution. Forgiveness of self says, I can admit when I am wrong, apologize and ask for forgiveness and stop beating myself up.

5. Forgiveness does not mean condoning unkindness, inconsiderate or selfish behavior or excusing bad behavior.

It does not deny or minimize the hurt, pain or injury done to us. It just refuses to make it into an ongoing resentment story that becomes toxic over time. We are the ones hurt by not forgiving.

6. Coming to terms with unpleasantness in life helps us understand we are not perfect or flawless.

We will make mistakes and need grace and forgiveness. Although people will hurt us, they are often unaware that they have offended us.

7. Forgiveness is a choice.

We make the conscious decision to let go of the hurts and wrongs. Forgiveness requires that we first define our grievance. When we can articulate the details of the hurtful event, we will know exactly what we are forgiving.

Acknowledge, accept your feelings, and then make that conscious choice to forgive and let go. Forgiving helps us from getting hurt in the future.

Forgiveness allows me to let go of the pain and experience peace. I choose to forgive. How about you?

Read Marlene’s story in It’s A God Thing: Stories to Help You Experience the Heart of God, by Freeman-Smith. Fifty real-life stories that demonstrate the real grace that can only come from a kind and loving Heavenly Father. Available on Amazon.com.

The Unwanted Package: An Allegory

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

Once upon a time, a package was delivered to a young woman. When she opened it, her eyes blazed, and she became very angry.

Although infuriated over receiving this parcel, she nonetheless took it with her wherever she went. Soon other packages arrived, and she had to get a larger bag to put them in so she could continue to carry them with her.

Every morning, she dutifully picked up her bag, which was growing heavier and heavier. She took it with her on the bus to work and when she met with the girls for coffee or a glass of wine.

It went with her to family gatherings and remained on her back as she fixed meals and adjusted her load to make the beds and do the laundry.

Every once in a while, she received another unwelcome and unwanted package, which she stuffed in the bag with the rest.

There were moments when she put her bag down and went for a walk in the woods or on the beach where waves gently lapped her ankles. At such times she felt free and alive. She enjoyed the sun and sweet smells of the forest and breathed deeply the fresh salt air.

She felt weightless and at peace and was tempted to leave the bag behind when she left these peaceful environs.

young woman carrying heavy bag and walking on path

But it called to her, and she would pick up her load once more. The sweet moments she had just enjoyed became burning coals of sadness, regret, and despair.

One day as she walked down the path of life, an old man stopped her and said, “I have been watching you. Every day you carry that big bag. I can tell it is heavy by the way your body sags under the weight and the strain of effort that shows on your face. You must have something very valuable in that bag.”

The woman, who was aging more rapidly because of the constant strain, set the bag down for a minute and reflected before she replied. She had been carrying her load for so long it just seemed natural to do so.

“Sir, the packages in my bag are things I do not want, have never wanted, and I carry them with me so I never forget how much they have injured me. If I lay them down, I might forget. For you see, in this bag are all the betrayals, rejections, insults, lies and humiliations I have received – things that have cut and wounded my spirit and soul.”

The man responded with shock, “Why would you want to keep carrying them around with you? Why don’t you put them down and leave them behind?”

With tears in her eyes she replied, “Because I don’t want to forget what was done to me. I don’t want them to get away with what they did to me. I want them to remember the pain and suffering they inflicted on me.”

The old man looked around and slowly said, “But they don’t know you are carrying this bag of grievances and resentment. They are not around. Whatever was done to you, you continue to do to yourself. You are not exacting punishment on them, but on yourself. Others may have injured you, but you continue to inflict pain on yourself. “

Amazed, she said, “But if I put it down, won’t I be saying that what they did was okay? That they got away with it. As long as I carry this bag, I can be thinking of ways to get even.”

The man kindly and compassionately said, “Is it worth letting a lifetime of joy and happiness pass you by?”

She looked into his eyes full of wisdom and grace and realized for the first time that by carrying her bag full of resentment and grievances, she was unable to build a constructive and meaningful life. She was unable to see the beauty around her.

She thanked the man and went home. She put her bag down beside her and pondered the things he said. What could she do with all the packages she had been carrying around for so long?

She opened the bag and looked inside. She discovered the packages had turned to stone; not only all the injustices and wrongs she had endured, but her anger that had flamed into a deep simmering rage. As she sat there weeping, she realized she no longer wanted to carry them around with her. But what would she do with them?

As she looked out the window and gazed at her garden so ordinary and plain, she had a brilliant idea. Filled with an energy she hadn’t experienced in years, she began removing the stones, using them to create a new pleasing design for her garden.

stone wall with ivy and pond

She built a large mound of stones and dirt and planted beautiful flowers and plants in between. Other stones became low walls for beautiful ivy to tumble over. Some became the perimeter for a water pond that held the tears she shed, and others framed pathways that wound around the beautiful sculptures she created.

Her garden was no longer ordinary and mundane, but inviting and pleasurable. She invited friends and family to gather with her for lunches, teas or dinner parties. And when she wanted to enjoy the peace and comfort that fed her soul and spirit, she chose one of the benches to sit and rest.

It is so easy to accumulate the bundles of betrayals, rejections and lies we have received that become resentments and grievance stories. And like this woman, we carry them around without thinking of the cost.

When our focus remains on how badly we have been treated, we become a victim to our own story. Forgiveness allows us to put our heavy burden down. Forgiveness allows us to make peace with any bitterness in our past. It allows us to let go of the pain and experience peace.

Don’t you want to set your heavy load down, choose to forgive and be free?

Read Marlene’s story in It’s A God Thing: Stories to Help You Experience the Heart of God, by Freeman-Smith. Fifty real-life stories that demonstrate the real grace that can only come from a kind and loving Heavenly Father. Available on Amazon.com.

The Last of Human Freedoms: The Ability to Choose Our Attitude

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

“What alone is ‘the last of human freedoms’ – is the ability to ‘choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.”

—Victor Frankl

Victor Frankl was a psychiatrist and a Jew who lived during the Nazi regime in Germany. He, along with his entire family, was sent to Nazi concentration camps. He ended up in Auschwitz, one of the most dreaded WWII camps.

Except for his sister and himself, his entire family perished in one of those sites. Every possession was taken from them, and the Jews who weren’t shot or sent to the gas chamber endured years of unspeakable horror.

Man's Search for MeaningIn his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl wrote:

“In spite of all the enforced physical and mental primitives of the life in a concentration camp, it was possible for spiritual life to deepen…”

As a psychiatrist, physician, and author, he was now a student in the cruelest of life’s classrooms, struggling to survive physically, mentally, and spiritually.

He discovered that men could be compassionate to others who were dying and that apathy “…could be overcome, irritability suppressed. Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and physic stress.”

Why is this important to you and me today?

For one, it puts into perspective the problems we may be experiencing.

And for another, it is important to understand that nothing can take away our ability to choose our responses to whatever life throws at us. In the midst of unimaginable conditions, Frankl evidenced the indomitable human spirit. He discovered that prisoners faced with death and unexpected daily torture could focus their minds on things that were good.

They could even see the beauty of God’s earth around them. They could “rise above any situation even if only for a few seconds” when they found and expressed humor. He and another prisoner daily invented at least one amusing story to share with each other.

We make choices every minute of the day.

feet wearing red shoes with arrows pointing different directions

In fact, we cannot not choose. When we accept what is happening, we are then able to make conscious decisions as to how we will respond. We can choose to respond with anger and resentment or retreat into fear and anxiety.

Or we can choose to find meaning in what is happening, for it isn’t the situation that is as important as how we react to it.

We may be going through what seems like overwhelming circumstances. But we can learn and identify with those prisoners who “…were able to retreat from their terrible surrounds to a life of inner riches and spiritual freedom.”   

Finding meaning in suffering

Frankl discovered that those who would have a chance to survive were those “who held on to a vision of the future.”  They had to find meaning in the suffering itself. We can also find meaning and purpose in whatever we are facing. And we can decide on a response that will enable us to learn, benefit and rise above any situation.

Choose love – choose life – choose an attitude that rises above your circumstances.

Whatever you focus on, that is where your energy will go. That energy force can be either positive or negative. We choose where to place it.

Will that be a force of hatred, resentment, and revenge or a vitality force of patience, commitment, and love?

Choice frees us to look for positive, productive ways to use our power.

When we understand that we always have alternatives, it inspires us to keep looking for possibilities and opportunities. This attitude encourages problem-solving and negotiation while offering grace to ourselves and others.

Whatever situation you find yourself, you are the one who chooses how you will respond.

You can live by your principles and values or simply remain reactive.

You can explore alternatives and communicate your needs, wants, and desires and offer the same respect to others.

Read Marlene’s story in Heaven Touching Earth: True Stories of Angels, Miracles, and Heavenly Encounters, stories compiled by James Stuart Bell of people’s encounter of God in tough times.  Available on Amazon.com.

Words to Encourage When Life Dumps Its Worst on You

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

Psalm 18 begins:

“I love you, God – you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. My God – the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout.”  (The Message)

When everything around us seems to be crashing and we think nothing else could possibly happen, it invariably does.

Problems have a domino effect

One problem creates another and so on. At such times, we reach out to friends for help and support and turn to God for encouragement and hope.

Reading Psalm 18 this morning, I am reminded of children playing hide-and-seek among rocks. I envision hideouts and imaginary castles and moats, protective walls and strong defensive armor on knights. I feel a sense of protection and safety when I read those words.

But when life continues to dump the worst on me, in the middle of confusion, exhaustion, and despair, I ask, Is there a safe place where I can hide? I need to remind myself of these words – God, strength, bedrock, castle, knight.

knight in armor in front of castle

Words, spoken or written, allow us to identify with the human experience. As a writer, the words we use enable readers to envision places of safety, strength, and rescue. They can become a source of solace, protective walls from a harsh world. Like the knight in fairy tales, we can envision putting on a strong defensive armor.

Sometimes we write about what we have experienced – sometimes we write about the struggles we see others going through. Within these images, we get glimpses of ourselves: our struggles, our joys, our temptations, our frustrations.

When we write, we are not just writing to entertain, but to inform, to clarify the human condition. Within both fiction and non-fiction, we are offering encouragement and hope.

I love books.

Perhaps the books you enjoy are similar to mine. While I am not just interested in one genre, I have my favorite areas of reading. I don’t just want to be entertained. I want to be able to connect in some way with individuals I find running across the pages of my books. I want to know they are genuine and real – not lofty and unreachable.

The words I read need to connect me on a human experience level. While the setting in novels is important to understand time and historical context where the characters exist, it is the characters themselves that I need to be able to relate to. Within their cries for help, doubts and fears, struggles and shouts of joy, I can relate and identify at some level.

“Mind the Gap”: Overcoming Obstacles and Distorted Beliefs

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

In London’s underground stations you hear a mechanized voice say, “Mind the Gap,” as you prepare to board a tube train. That “gap” between platform and train is usually quite small and as a tourist, after the novelty wears off, you take for granted the need to watch your step and the recording simply becomes one of those endearing facets of the London experience.

Neverwhere by Neil GaimanNeil Gaiman, in his book, Neverwhere, artfully creates a more sinister reason for “minding the gap” in his fantasy story about London above ground and the London below.

The “gap” no longer is a small precautionary hazard but one of lethal danger as an invisible cloudlike “black smoke” rises out of the crack, wrapping around the ankles of its targeted, unwary traveler, ready to drag him into oblivion.

It is easy to develop complacency about the gaps that occur in our lives, most of which are simply little daily obstacles we step over. But sometimes, those gaps can take on the proportions of huge chasms, larger than life and so threatening that we remain rooted in place and stranded on the station platform while the train moves out.

The “gap” becomes an insurmountable obstacle; a hollow place empty of inspiration and motivation; a place that threatens to swallow us up in mediocrity and depression.

What creates the difference between a small gap we easily step over and one that literally sucks out our confidence and energy?

Usually, it is our interpretation.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy teaches us to challenge our thoughts and beliefs in order to change the emotional and behavioral responses that follow. When you feel overwhelmed, find and challenge the connecting thread to the thoughts and beliefs attached. Often you will find patterns of thinking that prevent you from believing you can make it.

Maybe it is the “all or nothing” thinking that locks you into an “either/or” way of looking at the world; inflexible and rigid.

Maybe you have over-generalized the situation, so the obstacle becomes too large and any efforts on your part are measured by past unsuccessful attempts. Therefore, to try is useless because you just know you will fail.

Distorted beliefs about one’s worth filter out any positive attributes, exaggerating failures while minimizing any accomplishments. The future becomes hopeless. As possibilities and opportunities are filtered out, we no longer see a minor gap, but an impossible impediment ready to swallow us up. Our interpretations of the past are used to predict the future.

We can choose to hold onto unrealistic expectations about ourselves and the world or decide to try again, looking for alternatives to make our dreams happen.

We can empower our thinking or believe we are a failure – a powerless victim.

We choose our locus of control. We have the ability to choose our thoughts and beliefs and their subsequent emotional responses.

We can choose to accept setbacks and seemingly impossible obstacles and then explore other options. We are not the center of the universe. We cannot predict the future, but we can make choices. We can give ourselves grace to fail and start over again.

Without challenging our thoughts and beliefs, our feelings will produce reactionary behaviors. If we believe it is impossible, it becomes impossible. But we can accept the fact that as humans we will fail.

Perfection is an ideal that can keep us spinning our wheels. Wanting to do our best points us to a multitude of choices to make things happen.

Seagulls on the Wind: How Contemplation Can Expand and Reframe Our Circumstances

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

This is a piece I wrote some years ago when I was reflecting on the changes occurring in my life. It defines how a moment of contemplation can expand and reframe our circumstances.

My thoughts and feelings ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean. I close my eyes and pictures from the past flood my mind.

Seagulls wheel and soar above the ocean waves. On the sandy beaches below, patterns and ridges are being shaped and molded by incoming tides. Sea grasses dance in the wind at the ocean’s edge, weaving shadows of beauty and grace on endless sand. The sun’s kisses on the tips of waves turn them into sparkling diamonds that dazzle the eye.

An eagle soars high above an inland river, laser eyes focused on the ripple of water and telltale signs of fish swimming upstream. In one determined and skillfully executed dive, he retrieves a salmon for his dinner.

seagulls flying above the ocean

I let go, and in my imagination, become one of those seagulls carried by the wind over cresting waves, soaring high above the earth’s parameters. A sense of freedom and lightness permeates my being as I soar above and over my troubles and sorrows.

As I look down on God’s world, I see His creative love sprinkled everywhere. It leaves a residue on the sands of my soul just as the surf leaves a residue of foam and seaweed on the shore. It is that love that reminds me that He is as faithful as the tides.

While my thoughts and feelings ebb and flow, the consistency of his creation becomes the residue of memory on my mind reminding me that I will be carried during tough times when the night is at its blackest and the storms crash over me with such intensity, I think I shall die.

As I go through periods of loss, uncertainty, and insecurity, I am allowed to soar high up and over the horizon, taking in a broadened perspective, a new awareness and fresh understanding. While my mind ebbs and flows like the ocean, I see the world differently up here. I am more than my individuality. I am alone – yet a part of. I can look over the horizon and see possibilities and opportunities to connect with life once more.

Unwanted change threatens our view of the world. The familiar is gone and we only see destruction. It is here I take to the wind, spread my wings and soar like an eagle or seagulls surveying the domain below.

I see the promise of beauty, love, hope, strength, and endurance. My world is reframed and expanded. And I can return to my life and rebuild.

Laughter is a Lifestyle: 5 Ways to Make Humor Part of Your Life

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

As soap is to the body, so laughter is to the soul.

— Jewish Proverb

Laughter is not a once-in-a while event – it is a lifestyle – a way to look at life.

Laughter allows you to see the good in the midst of our troubles. It helps you move through difficult times. It allows you to focus on things to be thankful for.

Laughter and humor take the edge off any crisis or adversity you are facing. It allows you to see a bigger picture. It doesn’t mean you diminish the importance of what’s happening, but you find a plausible way to work with it. It expands joyous moments and enlarges the depth of our love for and enjoyment of life.

“Every problem is a gift. Without them we wouldn’t grow”

— Tony Robbins

Here are five ways to make laughter and humor a part of your life.

1. Exaggerate.

Take a bad day and blow it out of proportion. Make a “mountain out of a mole hill.” Make it so preposterous that you and your friends can’t help but laugh over it.

When everything seems to be going wrong, we can either laugh or cry. Laughter helps release tension so we can explore ways to make things better.

You are taking charge. Viewing intolerable situations as comical and ludicrous is not minimizing problems – it is reducing their magnitude so you can find solutions or workable options. You laugh because at times the things that happen are just too ridiculous.

2. Look for the possibility of humor.

“Ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive, eliminate the negative…” was a popular song in the 1940s.

Put an encouraging emphasis on what is happening. Look for that possibility of humor. Choose to look at the world from a positive point of view. What can I do versus what I can’t do?

“Life is a gift. Never forget to enjoy and bask in every moment you are in.”

— Author unknown

3. Start a Gratitude or Happy journal.

Paste a large smiling face on the cover. We miss many blessings because our focus is on everything that is going wrong. If you continue to concentrate on everything negative, you will never see anything that is good.

Each day, record something happy, pleasant, or joyful. Find that kernel of gratitude in whatever is happening.

Rewrite the events you are currently experiencing to include hope and blessings. Sometimes blessings hide under big rocks of troubles. Lift that rock and release them.

Include in your journal warm comments you have received, favorite sayings or anything that made you smile or laugh. Paste in cards and letters or articles that focus on optimism and hope. Make this a priority.

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

— Norman Vincent Peale

4. Every time you pass a mirror, smile!

Laughter is a Lifestyle: 5 Ways to Make Humor Part of Your Life | focuswithmarlene.com

Then, give yourself a big hug. Be open to hugs from others.

Post jokes and cartoons around the house. Put them on your refrigerator door, or bathroom mirror so when you see them, it triggers a smile.

When troubles hit, we tend to stay in that anxiety space, ruminating over and over in our mind how impossible our situation is, hoping that solutions will pop up. However, the longer we stay in that negative space, the less likely we will look for and find the solutions we need. When we continue to focus on how awful things are, we no longer see options or possibilities because anything positive is screened out.

Perhaps the greatest gift of all is our ability to laugh at ourselves! If we laugh at ourselves, nobody can laugh “at us” – they can only laugh “with us.”

“When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we begin to laugh, and the world laughs with us.”

— Jimmy Durante

5. Create humorous or self-worth affirmations.

Repeat them throughout the day or whenever you are feeling down. Affirmations draw us towards something.

Make a list of them that affirm your worth and capabilities. Here are some examples:

  • I look for the blessings around me.
  • I am an intelligent, capable, and responsible person able to solve problems.
  • I love to laugh and enjoy life.
  • I can make and accomplish goals.

Elbert Hubbard wrote, “Happiness is a habit – cultivate it.”

We choose how we want to look at the world.

We choose how we will face our problems.

We choose to look for possibilities and answers.

As with any habit, we take one little step at a time to put it in place.

Humor: My Teachable Moment

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast

Get caught up with all episodes in the “Threads of Life” series

At any moment in time, things can happen that will disrupt our day. But we can learn valuable insights during such times. Disruptions can become profound teachable moments. Such an event occurred to me.

I was washing clothes, preparing for our family to leave the following day on a camping trip. The water flow going into my washing machine was exceedingly slow. I had been improvising by attaching a hose from my laundry tub faucet to my washing machine to fill it.

When the phone rang in our office, I didn’t bother to shut off the faucet, thinking I would only be a minute.

But the call was about business and took more time than anticipated. Someone wanted to hire our band and in answering questions and gathering important details, the washing machine totally escaped my mind. But as soon as I hung up the phone, I suddenly remembered I had left the water running.

Humor: My Teachable Moment | focuswithmarlene.com

Panicked, I dashed into the kitchen and saw with horror the water happily gurgling out of a very full washing machine onto my floor, flooding the laundry room which adjoined my kitchen, as well as the kitchen. In a recent remodel, we had installed kitchen carpet, which was the rage at that time, to both the kitchen and our laundry room. It was saturated and pooling on top.

I shut off the faucet and stood there appalled, thinking about all the things that needed to be done before leaving the following day.

How would I clean up this mess on top of packing?

It wasn’t just the carpet that needed to have the water removed and dried, but also boxes of sewing materials stacked at the end of the laundry room with contents that had to be taken out and dried.

It was at this precise moment when my husband opened the door from the garage and stepped into the laundry room and stopped short as he looked first at the floor and then at me.  As was his nature, he immediately saw the absurdity and humorous side of the situation.

I remember thinking as I looked at him, don’t you dare laugh. It is not funny. If you had fixed that water pressure problem weeks ago, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Blah, blah, blah.

But I didn’t say it, because the very next second I received a thunderbolt revelation. I could either remain angry or I could laugh. I had a choice. I could see the funny side. Either way the job needed to be done. But with humor it would make the job much easier.

I vividly remember how my whole demeanor and body changed when I made the decision to see humor versus engage in anger. I learned a valuable lesson in that moment.

Events do not have to dictate our reactions. There might be an immediate visceral response, but we can then choose a different one.

Humor and laughter are powerful antidotes to the adversities of life. We can choose to laugh at ourselves and circumstances or become mired in resentments. We can make the job easier or more difficult.

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”

-Marcus Aurelius

As a former therapist and someone committed to helping people find ways to live more enthusiastic and productive lives, I love to share how something as simple as humor can make a huge difference in our approach to circumstances. We often dismiss things like humor and laughter by saying, “Well, that’s nice, but I have more serious problems to face.”

Laughter and humor are more than just temporary interludes to lighten the moment. They enable us to take a breath, step back and look at problems from a larger perspective.

They take “mountains” and reduce them to “mole hills” we can walk over. Mountains can seem formidable. How can I ever get past that? Our problems suddenly become insurmountable. There is no way to solve them. And you feel exhausted before you even begin to look for answers.

We can walk over or around smaller hills. When we view a problem as a huge mountain, it takes away our ability to see anything positive. Hills are just part of life’s journey.

In next week’s post, I will share ways to make humor and laughter a way of life – not just some rare occasion.