When I have reconciled to unwanted change, I can let go of all the things I thought were so important, so crucial in my life. I discover all the things I thought defined me might really be so much “vanity”.

“Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity.” Ecclesiastes 1:2

The perfect façade I present to the world and begin to believe myself is usually shabby and ugly. The image I believed I had to have to be okay is really smoke and mirrors. And the traumatic change that left me in shock, disbelief and early despair holds within it the elements for understanding, discovery, faith and incredible freedom to become a genuine me.

Letting go will have a different meaning depending on circumstances. Some traumatic events, such as floods, tornados or earthquakes, destroy many of the things we treasure. But, sometimes it isn’t objects that are taken away, but our ability to work, loss of limbs, strength, and security through accidents or disabling chronic illness.

What can I let go of?

• I can let go of things: my beautiful house, the right clothes, the right connections, and the right neighborhood. I can even let go of my smart phone and I-pad if I had to. They are things we enjoy but we can live without them if circumstances require it.

• I can let go of the carefully constructed façade I create in order to be accepted, approved, appreciated and respected.

• I can let go of the ideal marriage and focus instead on creating relationships based on love and respect and sacrifice.

• I can let go of the need to just have a particular job or career. Education and accomplishments are never wasted. Our skills and talents can be used in many different ways.

• I can let go of having to create the perfect life, perfect identity, perfect figure, perfect family, and perfect lifestyle. That perception imprisons us requiring constant struggle and energy to maintain its illusion. The façade hides an unsure child who doesn’t want anyone to discover her vulnerabilities.

With each life altering change, we will be challenged. With each new step, we can let go of “stuff” that weighs us down instead of propelling us forward.

And we can say with so many who have gone before us, this unwanted change, this tragedy, this crisis was the best thing that ever happened to me.

©2013 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

“Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God – soon I’ll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He’s my God.” Psalm 43 – The Message

While going through the grieving process after the death of my husband, I wrote in my journal, “Acceptance this morning is not a promise of a new beginning. It is a bitter pill added to the string of losses I have been asked to accept: my husband, my home, my source of income…. “

 While editing my journals for my latest book, “From Winter to Spring”, I included that journal entry to describe how difficult it is to process our losses through acceptance.

 Unwanted change takes something of importance away from us. Losses can seem like menacing giants that threaten to block any kind of positive future. As we work through the endless tangled thoughts and emotions, it seems as though we will never be free to enjoy life again.

In acceptance we acknowledge the depth of what our loss meant to us. We stay with the pain, confusion, anger, fear and unanswered questions and doubts until we can integrate them into our life story. Healing begins as acceptance becomes more complete.

When we have lost something of great importance, we want to hang onto what we had – we don’t want to let go of it. We get angry and lash out. We hang onto that anger, because we fear that if we let go of it there will be nothing to replace what we had.

But acceptance doesn’t mean we don’t have a future. It means I accept the circumstances I’m in. It means I stop fighting, resisting or denying what has happened.

Acceptance doesn’t mean we will never experience the joys of life again. It doesn’t mean we won’t experience happiness, laughter, contentment or satisfaction again.

Acceptance is where we take from the ashes of our tragedy, unwanted change, death, divorce, loss of job, etc and build something new. Grieving our loss and letting go does not diminish what we had.

 The process of acceptance and letting go occurs gradually as we take one little step forward at a time. In the process we don’t stuff our anxieties and fears, ignore our hurt, or deny our angry feelings. We work with them and through them. As we accept and let go, our identity and life story can expand to a new page.

 If you are working through a difficult change in your life today, ask yourself these questions:

1. What part of my loss can I accept right now?

2. What can I give up today that I had yesterday?

 3. What am I hanging onto that continues to create pain?

 4. What new options can I explore?

Take a moment and think about what you are being asked to leave behind, what you want to bring with you and what you can live without.

Tell yourself it is okay to let go of what you had. Tell yourself you can start over and create something good again. Visulize yourself in some of these new options.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

When life strips away everything that represents comfort and satisfaction, we are left with ourselves and God.

It is where I face reality, my doubts and fears and ask God, what is the next step? It is where I am able to discover faith and hope.

It is a pivotal point because I have the option to refuse this opportunity to discover and implement important insights or hang onto my carefully constructed but ineffective viewpoints.We are left to consider and weigh the costs and benefits.

In acceptance I discover

 I don’t have to be what I thought I had to be – I can be honest and real

 I am okay with all my faults, foibles, insecurities, fears, anxieties, distrusts, resistance, worries, mistakes, misunderstandings, pain and anger. I am okay just to be me

 I don’t have to find someone or something to blame, beat myself up or remain in guilt

 I don’t have to defend myself; in acceptance I can start to live a more honest and genuine life.

 I can say I am sorry or I was wrong and work towards finding solutions

 I can honestly examine and acknowledge my strengths and accomplishments

 It is where I discover that all the stuff I thought was so important is really meaningless

 It is where I discover God waiting to pick me up, dust me off, give me understanding, hope, faith and strength to take the next step.

This crisis, this tragedy, this turn of events, this unwanted intrusion into our perfect life can be the most important and valuable gift we ever received.

Acceptance does not mean giving up. It is where we redirect our energy, goals and purpose.

©2013 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

I watch as a friend struggles to come to terms with the health of an elderly spouse and friends who are trying to adjust to life after being widowed. 

I speak with women whose abrupt life changes leave them single parents or sole bread earners, panicking about jobs and the new choices they need to make. 

I talk with women faced with a diagnosis of cancer or some chronic and debilitating disease.

I reflect on my own challenges of death and life altering events that demanded major life style change.

The lists of things that stop us dead in our tracks and create seemingly impossible futures are endless. Each situation holds its own pain, resistance, resignation and resolution.

Within each is the challenge to accept what has happened. Denial and compromise can only go on for so long until we are faced with the alternative.

There are many layers to acceptance

We resist change because we do not want to let go of what we had. We created it, it was comfortable and predictable. 

Abrupt and drastic change challenges our perception of life and our ability to meet those challenges.

It is never easy to reconcile life altering events. Denial helps us absorb only what we can handle in the moment. Compromise helps us cushion what is now required of us. In the end, we are faced with a change we did not want but must now work with.

Resistance

There is a cost/benefit to everything we do. When faced with losses, catastrophes or misfortunes, there is a benefit to remain focused on it. It helps us grieve. It cushions the pain. It keeps us from challenging ourselves when we need time to process events and recover. The past is familiar. The pull to stay in our comfort zone is powerful.

However, the benefit from remaining in resistance and in old habit patterns, while helpful in the short term may be a detriment in the long term.

We aren’t able to let go of the past, discover new strengths and determintion to move forward. We get stuck in unproductive lifestyles. We become dependent on short term fixes of prescription drugs, alcohol, food or the internet – all of which hold long term consequences when abused or used as a solution for pain, discomfort and anxiety.

Acceptance and letting go

If you find yourself stuck, anxious and fearful in your situation ask yourself some questions. Be as honest as you can.  This is for you.

 What benefit am I getting right now by constantly going over and over what has happened? What benefit am I getting by hanging on to my resentment, fear and anxiety? What self-defeating attitudes and beliefs am I hanging onto?  

Acceptance is where we let go, heal and feel okay about ourselves. We are not perfect and it is okay.

It is often where we discover God. When necessary we can extend forgiveness and grace to ourselves and others.

It is where we focus on what we can do – not what is out of our control. It is where we become energized and motivated again.

Acceptance is the start of a new beginning.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

Imagine yourself on an extended hike in the mountains. Suddenly the path in front of you has dropped off, totally washed away and you are left on very shaky and precarious terrain. Night is coming and you can’t reach your destination and it is too late to go back. The weather has changed and storm clouds are brewing a hard rain.

You make it through the night, and you decide to go back the way you came, only to discover the path behind you has also been washed away. How do you get off the mountain? You are unfamiliar with the terrain. You have never been here before.

Life altering events can make us feel there has been a stream of washouts on our life paths, leaving us with a future that is uncertain, full of obstacles and dead ends. 

Where do you start?

Taking the example above, the next step is to take a survival inventory of what we have and what we need to get us off this mountain. In much the same way, when we are faced with a life altering tragedy or change, we need to take an inventory and make whatever immediate adjustments are needed.

With immediate survival needs met, we focus on making that transition to a new reality. It is here where we are challenged with our core beliefs and perceptions about ourselves and the world. We have to abandon the path we were on to discover a new one.

We can’t move forward until we are ready to let go of the past and put our energy into the future.

We can sit down and tell ourselves all the reasons why life isn’t fair. We can replay in our mind all the times we failed or screwed up. We can hang on to the belief that even if we make new goals somebody or something will come along and destroy our efforts anyway.

We can choose to start again or remain stuck.

Avoid the blame game

When we get stuck in the “blame game” trap, we become a victim to life, our past, circumstances, events, people, etc. Everything that happens is something or someone else’s fault. We become helpless and without realizing it have given away our personal power. We can’t consider options and choices because we have convinced ourselves there are none. We use our energy to fuel resentment and anger and rebel instead of finding new solutions. Our focus remains on the adversity instead of possibility.

In your Change notebook, start recording all the statements you say to yourself about your situation. It may surprise you how often negative and defeating statements are repeated over and over in our mind. 

Writing them down helps us become aware of thinking that keep us from believing in the power and love of God, ourselves and the future.

We have many resources within us. We can waste them on anger, blame, resentment, etc. Or we can use them to turn any adversity into something productive.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

When we begin to panic, we rush back to what is familiar. When faced with little glitches in the road we can do that and it doesn’t pose a problem.

Even though it might be a struggle, there is comfort in doing what we have always done – what we are familiar with. We lose a job in one company and quickly find another one in a similar one. We have always done it this way – it has worked in the past – it will work again.

But there are times when returning to what was is no longer a good thing. It is time to not only re-evaluate but to let go.

That is never easy to do. We hate being divorced so we quickly find someone else to marry. We hate being alone so we rush out to singles bars or go to online dating, desperately trying to find someone to recreate that sense of intimacy once again. We apply for the same kinds of jobs, doing exactly what we did before. However, in the process, we often end up frustrated, angry and even more frustrated.

Taking the next step in any such situation is never easy. But the first step is recognizing that we can’t go back.

We can’t go back to the normal we had before. We can’t go back to the comfortable life we had before. We can get angry, stomp our feet either physically or metaphorically and yell at God and others. But at some point, when the first attempts result in futility, we are forced to stop and allow this new place to reveal new truths.

It is here where we can look at what has happened to us as a tragedy that will forever leave us handicapped, broken or injured or an event, that while tragic, can become a stepping stone.

Rushing back to what we believed was the only way to live life is missing the wonderful opportunity that change and chaos can bring.

It is here we have the opportunity to get to know ourselves and to know God. It is where we allow ourselves to be open to God, His grace, love and wisdom. It is here we experience new blessings and insights. It is where we receive life instead of orchestrating life. It is where we allow God to reveal His truths, where it’s okay not to have all the answers and we are willing to let go of what we have constructed to find a new beginning.

It challenges our perceptions. It exposes rigid beliefs and enables us to find new answers for what we need today. It is here where we become so much more of who we are. It can be an exciting time of new opportunity.  

©2013 Marlene Anderson