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Where Do You Want to Be?

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

I have built three homes, two with my husband and one on my own.

If you plan to build a home, here are some things you need to know first:

  • Where do I want to live?
  • Is there land available that will accommodate the house I want to build?
  • What size home do I want?
  • How much can I afford?
  • What kind of community do I want to be part of?

My husband and I lived in Oregon for many years. Ready for retirement, we wanted to be closer to major waterways where we could spend time cruising with our sailboat. That led us to a new state and new possibilities. After finding a community that gave us access to both, we built our new home.

After the death of my husband, I needed to make some pertinent decisions. Do I still want to live in this area? How would I downsize and still have room for the things I wanted to keep?

I wanted to remain in the community where we had been living and decided to build myself a smaller home. With the help of a contractor, I purchased a lot and construction plans were drawn up. After the ground was leveled, it was prepared for construction.

When the house was completed, piles of dirt, gravel, and rubble remained. It was time for the final phase: landscaping the yard to make my home pleasant and welcoming. Once again, I consulted with the aid of a landscape architect.

The first thing a landscape architect wants to know in creating a design is the “lay” of the land: what the soil is like, what has to be removed, what has to be added; where slopes, stairs, or retaining walls need to be built.

Looking around, he considers ways to turn this lumpy, overturned ground into a place of beauty.

  • Are there trees that can stay?
  • Are there deep potholes or mounds of dirt that need to be leveled?
  • Are there rocks or boulders to be removed or repositioned to become a distinguishing and unique feature of this garden?
  • Is new soil needed to welcome the roots of new plants?

I like to use this same analogy with landscaping our lives:

  • What do you want?
  • What obstacles do you face?
  • What needs to be removed?
  • What needs to be put in place?

Next week on my blog and podcast, I will offer ways you can build a satisfying and pleasing new life.

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.

Let Go of What Isn’t Working and Take Control

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

“If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.” 

—Victor Frankl

To experience freedom and create meaning in our lives, we must let go of the past while taking control of the present and future.

Letting go means:

  • Removing my masks – becoming honest with myself and others
  • Allowing myself to laugh, cry, and feel pain – and it’s okay
  • Transcending my fears – facing death, disability, hardships, disappointments
  • Grieving my losses
  • Asking for and receiving help
  • Accepting things I cannot change

dancer

Taking control means:

  • Discovering the real, genuine, authentic me
  • Spending time with myself
  • Focusing on what I can do – not what I can’t do
  • Choosing hope over despair – the positive versus the negative
  • Soaring like an eagle
  • Believing I have choices and that I am making those choices daily
  • Enjoying each step forward with the belief that no step is too small or too large
  • Looking for and finding opportunities within every situation

Problems, disappointment, and life situations CANNOT keep you from:

  • Exploring new options
  • Setting new priorities and goals
  • Living life to the fullest
  • Developing a better quality of life

Problems, tragedies, and losses CAN help you:

  • Discover great, hidden strengths and determination
  • Create a new and exciting meaning for our life
  • Transform “who you were” to “who you are becoming”
  • Develop awareness and appreciation for you and your world

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.

Spring Does Come

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Each new season brings new expectations.

Fall brings bright colors as leaves turn red, yellow, and orange before falling, creating a lush carpet on the ground. The trees are preparing for hibernation to survive the cold of winter.

When winter arrives, we snuggle into comforters or ski jackets and enjoy hot chocolate and cookies.

As the days get longer, the ground wakes up and bulbs planted in autumn push their way through the cold ground, promising a bright new season.

Spring has come and with it, I feel stirrings of a new life force breathing energy into my tired soul.

Breath of Spring | focuswithmarlene.com

Just as daffodils, crocuses, and tulips awaken in the chilly spring, eagerly pushing shoots of green upward to develop rich blooms of colors, I want to push out of winter’s gloom. Like those bulbs, I long to push out, grow, bloom again, and be victorious regardless of the losses I’ve experienced.

Our seasons of life

Throughout life, we, too, experience different seasons. They’re not as predictable as the seasons of nature, but they are there.

For many of us, one of those seasons is grieving loss of a loved one we felt we could never live without – the winter of grief and the spring of a new beginning.

When I was going through such a season, I wrote:

“Can you, oh Lord, breathe life into this dried-up heart – breathe hope into it? Can you remove my overwhelming doubts and fears? Can you restore life to me and others who desperately cling to the hope that we can be happy again?”

The consistency of new days dawning and the infallible design of the laws of nature remind me there will be a new morning… a new spring. The earth continues its rotation, the rain and snow fall, and the sun finds its way through the cloud cover. Bulbs planted in fall break through the still-cold soil, exclaiming that winter has been overcome and spring has arrived.

It is here, against the backdrop of seasons and the dependability of God, that we survive. They remind us that as we live through times of sorrow and hard times – even when unseen forces disrupt and destroy what we cherish – God is still there with us.

When I thought hope had left me forever, God breathed new life into me. God released me from the frozen wasteland of grief and loss and reminded me that life continues, along with new blooms of spring.

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.

Yes, I Can Take Charge

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

When you left home for the first time, you felt confident and ready to conquer the world. Nothing could stop you!

Then life hit. Perhaps the economy tanked. Or you lost your job. Or you experienced a major health problem. Or the marriage you thought would last a lifetime fell apart.

Each time life knocks you down, it feels harder to get up. But you can! Whatever you face now requires rethinking, adjustment, and new plans to move forward.

Designing a new plan of action

In my upcoming blog posts, we’ll focus on how to make whatever happens work for you in some way. Wherever you are in life’s journey – whether you are discouraged or need to work through difficult childhood experiences or are currently going through tough times, or want to take the next step – I’ll help you design a new plan of action for your life.

I’ll show you how to reflect, let go of what isn’t working, and replace it with new skill sets and strategies that will maximize your talents. You’ll gain a better understanding of your emotions and how they can either hurt or help your plans as you move forward.

I know it can be disheartening to feel as if you’re continually failing, but I want to encourage you to never give up. Keep your self-talk positive. And keep searching for strategies that will work for you.

Don’t Give Up on Reaching for Your Goals

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

When going through extensive periods of tough times, we may feel disheartened and despondent, unable to think of ways to constructively move forward. Remaining in that state intensifies our sense of hopelessness.

To be successful in any goal we set – whether it is to be a better parent, a more caring spouse, or more successful at our job – we need four qualities:

  1. Desire to achieve the goal.
  2. A strategy to make it happen.
  3. The decision to take action.
  4. The fortitude to keep going.

1. Desire to achieve a goal

We make goals because we want something.

For example:

  • My house is always cluttered. I want it to feel uncluttered.
  • I am always late. I want to be on time.
  • I never seem to follow through with my intentions. I want to become reliable.

When we want something, our desire needs to be long-term, not just short-term.

2. Strategy to make it happen

Ask yourself: How will I develop a strategy to achieve my goal?

Think about what has kept you from accomplishing this goal in the past. Is it a lack of motivation? An unconscious belief that you won’t make it?

We need to understand our strengths and limitations and define what we want to accomplish, along with the steps to get there.

3. Decision to take action

When working towards a goal, there will be times when we feel discouraged and want to give up. We may feel as if we’ve tried as many times as we can.

This is when we step back, take a deep, slow breath and review what we have accomplished in the past. And then we keep going.

4. Fortitude to keep going

It is through our difficulties, troubles, and losses that we discover more of who we are. It’s where we grow as individuals.

When we are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained, we want to retreat from the world. But this isn’t just a time for introspection, but an opportunity to discover God’s great love and purpose for us and our need for Him. As He gently walks beside us, we can begin again.

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.

Wrestling with Adversity

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Life can be exciting as we confront problems and build a better life for ourselves.

Life can also be a struggle, especially when we get stuck in our challenges, not knowing how to work with or through them.

Adversity is when we find ourselves in a difficult situation or state of mind.

This period of hardship and trials where our strength and resolve are challenged may include:

  • financial struggles
  • health issues
  • ongoing injury
  • job loss
  • career issues
  • abuse
  • personal growth challenges
  • trying to succeed in a career

When faced with adversity we are required to adapt and solve difficult problems. That may include replacing negative self-talk with believing, “Yes, I can,” and trying again.

Adversity as a blessing

We may think adversity is something to hate and avoid. And yet, it can be a blessing. Adversity is where we learn about ourselves, our fears and anxieties, our need to ask questions and our willingness to learn.

Through adversity we become more resilient, thoughtful, and wise. We develop emotional, mental, and spiritual muscles.

Adversity challenges us

  • Adversity challenges us to step out of our comfort zone and take risks.
  • Adversity challenges us to acknowledge that we don’t know it all.
  • Adversity challenges us to develop productive habits, rather than falling back on habits that are easy in the moment.

Mindset is key

Over the years, I have developed an “I can do it” mindset.

That doesn’t mean I keep repeating the same thing when it isn’t achieving my goals.

  • It means re-evaluating what I want to accomplish and why,
  • It means finding find new and better ways to accomplish goals or creating new goals.

We are not perfect, but we have the ability to learn, grow and apply new ways of doing things.

Through adversity, we develop humility as we ask for help, accept our weaknesses and strengths, and find ways to move forward.

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.

Live Life to the Fullest

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

My book, Threads of Life, includes a chapter titled, “Living Life to the Fullest.”

In that chapter, I write about how our lives are like a journey. When planning a trip, we consider exactly where we want to go, what we need to do to make the trip happen, and how to get there.

Traveling through life

Every day we make decisions about what we need to do to get through the day.

hands on steering wheel

When we are traveling in our car, we may make impromptu rest stops or restaurant stops, but we basically know where we are headed and how we will get there.

When traveling through life, however, we often don’t stop long enough to think, plan, and prepare.

  • Where do we want to go?
  • What do we want to accomplish?
  • What kind of life do we want to create?

Instead, we do only what is needed in the moment to make it through the day.

Before we can accomplish anything, we need to know what we want and plan a way to achieve it.

We may have thought about what we want to accomplish, but haven’t considered the action steps needed to achieve our goal. Instead, we default to thinking about our goal and then act, believing that the choices we make will be sufficient.

What we are often unaware of is that the choices we make in the moment don’t necessarily help us.

Without thoughtful planning, we will keep repeating old habits that are convenient but not forward-moving.

Life is an opportunity to accomplish goals and create a more positive environment where we can live and work together, create happy homes, and do meaningful work.

Working with others

Living life to the fullest involves not only working on personal goals and self-improvement but also learning how to work with others.

  • Are we communicating effectively?
  • How do we ask for what we need vs what we might want?
  • Are we willing to work with others?

As we collaborate to resolve problems, we begin to understand that each of us sees the world differently.

  • What one person sees as good someone else might see as bad.
  • What one person thinks might solve a problem another might see it as creating a problem.

Listening and verifying or confirming what the other is saying is critical.

We have the opportunity to go beyond disappointments, to look for and find grace and blessings, to ask for wisdom, and to problem-solve together.

We also need to evaluate our decision-making, know what we want, and decide what we are willing to do to achieve that.

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.

Be Still, Be Quiet, and Listen

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to today’s episode (transcript below)

How many times have you “tuned” someone out who is talking to you – either because you are bored, the subject is uninteresting, or you have too much on your mind to pay attention?

So many conflicts occur because we don’t stop and listen – really listen – to what somebody is trying to tell us.

We think we can listen while doing a multitude of other things. But can we? Are we really hearing the other person?

Before we can listen, we need to stop whatever we are doing.

“Be still, be quiet, and listen” were words I wrote as I was preparing an opening prayer to give at a retreat I was attending. They were words I believe God gave me while I was grieving the death of my husband.

Each morning, I would sit with my journal and Bible, writing and praying. I remember those compelling words I heard internally: “Be still. Be quiet and listen!”

They were so influential at the time, and they still grab my attention whenever I enter a quiet time with God.

Focus With Marlene Podcast

I pray – but am I listening?

Listening doesn’t happen only when we spend quiet time with God or read our Bible. Anytime we have a conversation, it’s important to stop what we are doing and really listen.

When we continue doing things while someone is trying to tell us something, we may not hear what the person is trying to say. We hear words but miss the intent behind them.

If we keep talking without letting the other person respond or speak, we also miss an opportunity to help problem-solve or support someone in need.

It is never easy to put into words what we are feeling or experiencing. That is why it is so important to stop, listen, and give feedback to clarify.

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.

Examine Your Beliefs

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Throughout your lifetime you are defining your beliefs. But what does it mean to believe?

  • Beliefs involve conviction, attitude, and mindset.
  • Beliefs are the way you approach life.
  • Beliefs involve taking a position or point of view that you act on with the assumption that something good or positive can result. For example, I believe there is good in everyone, even when they exhibit the opposite. I focus on that.

Dictionaries tell us that belief is “something that is accepted, considered to be true, or held as an opinion: something believed, including an individual’s religious and political beliefs.”

We can get inspired and create a vision of what we want to do, but transforming that into a workable plan of action demands a belief in yourself and God. It requires leaving behind what didn’t work and focusing on what could work.

Becoming aware of your beliefs

Just as we believe the sun will rise even when we don’t see it, we rarely think about what we believe and are often unaware that how we act and interact with others is based on our beliefs.

Losses, tragedies, and misfortunes will challenge our beliefs. For example:

  • We assume the trust and expectation we put in a family will last a lifetime, but our spouse or child dies before their time.
  • We believe we will live a long and healthy life and then get a crippling, degenerative disease.
  • We believe that if we get that college degree, we will be guaranteed a steady job doing work we love, only to find ourselves dissatisfied and unhappy or without a job.

The expectations and assumptions we believed in are now questioned and challenged. And then we begin to question ourselves, our worth, or our ability to make any good decision.

We may begin to question whether there is a God. Is God real?  Does God care? Can we believe enough to have confidence and faith to take that next step and try one more time?

How do you evaluate your beliefs?

  • Are they reasonable?
  • Were they put in place when you were young, and you now have a broader understanding of life?
  • When should you question what you believe and expand or alter your beliefs?

The great news is that you can stop and evaluate your beliefs at any time. I think the beliefs that become more permanent and reliable are those that we have evaluated and reflect our view of others, our friendships, our self-worth, and our ability to make changes and grow.

As you mature, your beliefs change.

When we believe we can make changes, and we want our beliefs to be based on fundamental morals and principles we hold dear, we become more open, responsive, forgiving, and understanding – both of ourselves and others.

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.

Empower Your Life

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

When I was a counselor, I heard many accounts of tragedies, broken dreams, losses, and difficulties. Within each person’s story was the need to validate the struggles and maintain a belief that they could make it… they could get through and beyond this.

Unfortunately, some clients remained stuck in their “no hope” mind frame.

Words matter

The words we repeat to ourselves have tremendous power. They can keep us frozen, unable to move. Or they can inspire us.

To empower our lives, we need to move beyond the tragedies and begin to look for answers or ways to move forward.

I recall the time a friend shared her story of abandonment, depression, and ongoing anxiety. As she struggled to put her life back together, she found a bracelet with the words “imagine – create – believe – achieve – inspire –transform” printed on it. As she read the words, she realized what she needed to do and became motivated to put the pieces of her life back together.

She stopped thinking only about her hardships and started focusing on possibilities.

bracelet with "believe" engraved on it

Making choices

Life gives us opportunities to make choices each day, each hour, and each minute. Whether or not we realize it, we are choosing – deciding how we will respond to whatever we are facing.

We can choose to remain stuck in a rut.

We can remember to pray only when things go wrong and we are backed against a brick wall.

Or we can acknowledge, accept, let go, and move forward. We can focus on living, going beyond disappointments, and seeking moments of grace, wisdom, and clarity.

We are a montage of good and evil

If our focus is only on everything that is going wrong or everything we have to do, life will pass us by and we will miss the pleasures that can excite and energize.

Our challenge is to let go of the desire to return hate with hate, revenge, and retribution instead of understanding, forgiving, and moving on.

Our challenge is to seek the good.

We cannot live without guidelines, and yet, life is not just a set of rules to obey.  It’s not an either/or, but rather a blend – a balance of what we ought to do and avoid doing.

Even with carefully constructed roadmaps, plans can go astray. Life is a combination of devastating tragedies and unexpected joys, of disappointments and exhilarating, empowering moments.

How do you want to empower your life?

Threads of Life

Threads of Life: Stories to Warm the Heart and Challenge the Mind, by Marlene AndersonWe will all struggle with burdens and overwhelming odds at some point. But when we encourage one another to not only survive but thrive, we can go on to celebrate life.

How we respond to these experiences will weave together the fabric of who we are. In Threads of Life, you’ll find a tapestry of stories about overcoming adversity, taking that needed risk, and moving beyond your losses to empower your life and find the joy, comfort, and laughter that we all need.

Along the way, you’ll learn valuable lessons about endurance and resilience as you face formidable difficulties. Learn how focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t enables you to climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle, and praise God in the process—the story of living.

Threads of Life is available on Amazon in paperback and e-book versions.