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Compliance – Critical – Non-Negotiable

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Grandparents posing with grandchildren

Living without rules and laws would soon result in a breakdown of order within our homes and in society.  Without respect for the property and rights of others, life would eventually become chaotic.

 

Children who grow up with noncompliance, being disobedient and unwilling to cooperate tend to have severe adjustment problems as they grow up.  Learning to listen and obey is important.

 

If you want compliance from your children, you need to inform them of what is expected. Obedience doesn’t mean that you don’t listen to your kids reasons or try to understand things from their point of view. It doesn’t mean we demand rigid uncompromising obedience that makes our kids fearful.

 

When compliance is connected with simply stated and understood rules, it is easier for children to obey.  As they understand the need for rules they will be able to self-govern and self-regulate when they get older.

 

As Dr. Frank Lawlis reminds us in his book, Retraining the Brain, that “receiving consistent, positive reinforcement” is the best way to reach success and put in place consistent and constructive patterns of behavior.  Along with compliance, our children need positive encouragement and reinforcement.

 

There are three behaviors typically connected with anti-social behaviors:

non-compliance, temper tantrums and avoidance of responsibility.

When children learn to obey and are respectful of others within the home, they will be able to function appropriately in different social settings.

The following are a few ways to encourage compliance.

The 1 – 2 – 3 Rule 

For younger kids, a simple 1-2-3 rule can be used. Tell them what you expect and want along with the consequences for non-compliance.  Give the command, then give a second warning in 10 seconds. If they do not comply, they go to time out.

 

A time does not mean sending then to their room for long periods of time with their toys. Time out is sitting in a chair without social interaction from others for about 3-5 minutes maximum.  No toys.  No talking to anyone. There is nothing more effective in changing behavior than spending 3-5 dull minutes without attention or toys to play with.

 The five minute work chore

For older children, the five minute work chore can be applied to maintain cooperation and compliance.  Once again, try more positive ways to gain cooperation before resorting to removal of privileges or the application of small work details.  Do not use bribes.

Make a list of little jobs around the house that take about five minutes to complete. When children  do not comply and you have given them a warning, assign a five minute chore to complete. Here are some examples:

Scrub burner on stove

Clean kitchen or bathroom sink

Sweep floor or vacuum carpet in one room

Clean toilet bowl

Clean mirror in bathroom

Empty dishwasher

Fold one load of laundry

If they do not comply with either your request or the five minute chore, remove a privilege that they would normally have that day.

Avoid power struggles. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a confrontation. Take some slow, long even breaths to remain calm. Think about what you want to say and what you want to accomplish beforehand.

Here are 8 steps involved with a five minute work chore

  • Make requests without anger or a confrontational attitude
  • Warn teen that you will impose a work chore if there is noncompliance
  • Don’t lecture or argue
  • Before you make a request, have two work chores that you can impose if necessary
  • Impose no more than two work chores before you withdraw a privilege
  • Make sure the chore is brief
  • Stay out of the way while they are doing the work
  • Remain calm and neutral

Focus on Cooperation

Remember, positive reinforcement is better when applicable.  Whenever possible work together to achieve cooperation.  Be considerate of the feelings, wishes and wants of all members of the family.

Cooperation begins when children are reasonably compliant. It cannot happen if you are constantly in a power struggle. Foster cooperation by creating a positive atmosphere through play, listening and spending time together.

 

If you want cooperation, be clear with what you want. Make instructions and requests short and succinct and in a pleasant manner. See my 2-16-16 blog on rules.

There are many parenting books on the market. The “STEP books for Systematic Training for Effective Parenting” by Don Dinkmeyer and Gary D.McKay are explanatory and easy to follow.  The one on Parenting Teenagers is particularly useful as it can be a difficult time for both teens and parents during the teen years. Another set of books that give step-by-step approach for parenting adolescents is “Parents and Adolescents Living Together” by Gerald Patterson and Marion Forgatch.

Marlene Anderson

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Do as I say and Do it Right Now!

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

fourteen year old teenage with aggressive bully expressionPitfalls to Avoid

In the busy world we live in, we expect kids to obey and do it right now! When they don’t, we often threaten, take away privileges or ground them.

 

When we are tired, it is easier to get angry and harsh in our responses.  When expectations are unclear, there are more arguments.

Obedience versus responsibility

We want our kids to obey. We also want them to become responsible. Obedience without understanding both choices and consequences, however, does not help kids become responsible. While there will be times when obedience without question is necessary, especially when danger is a factor, those should be the exception.

As a kid, when Mom calls you to set the table for dinner or do some other chore your first inclination is ignore and keep playing. But if you know that non-compliance will have some kind of negative consequence, you learn to make the tough choices. That’s discipline.  That’s teaching.

If punishment is the only motivation for obeying, children will soon become resentful, find ways to retaliate and learn to be sneaky and dishonest to avoid detection. And, as mentioned in my earlier blogs, when children obey simply to avoid punishment, they don’t learn internal motivation or responsibility.

 

Responsibility

Responsibility is learned over time. Give simple requests and appropriate choices for a child’s age. A toddler can’t be responsible for not playing in the street because he is too young to understand the danger. You need to put in place appropriate safety boundaries.

By the time children enter school, they are able to understand choice and consequences. House rules are important. With teens, the need to make good choices becomes more critical as they learn to drive, experience peer pressure and are exposed to drugs.

But parenting involves more than just compliance with rules and requests. It always begins with that base of unconditional love and putting in place structure and routines in your home that makes it easier to comply.

A child, even through his teen years, needs supervision, guidance, protection, love and understanding. And as teens transition to young adults, parents still need to be involved while giving them more freedom.

 

Responding To Misbehaviors

If your child continues to misbehave or constantly argues, ask yourself these questions:

  • Are the rules clear, specific and posted?
  • Have I set appropriate boundaries and does he understand what they are?
  • Do I tell my child exactly what is expected of him/her?
  • Do I get into power struggles with my child?
  • Have I given him choices with established consequences?
  • Do I follow through with those consequences immediately and consistently? Except for special occasions, if consequences are inconsistent or sporadic, your child is learning that you do not mean what you say.  Perhaps your consequences are too harsh.

For discipline to be effective, it needs to be

  • Contingent or dependent on the choices made
  • Immediate, consistent and predictable
  • Short and mild consequences instead of severe
  • Fit the crime or offense
  • Uses few words
  • Provided calmly but with authority
  • Have a response cost of some kind that affects the child

 

Ineffective Discipline

  • Produces whining
  • Uses threats (if you continue, I’m going to break your neck)
  • No follow through
  • Big demands
  • Lengthy directives
  • Physical consequences or punishment
  • Inconsistent
  • Unpredictable
  • Used with negative emotion – anger, put downs, labeling, shaming
  • Without control (angry when giving consequences)

 

Remember discipline is teaching. It offers choice, rewards or a cost of some kind. It works. It is fair to both the child and parents. You can do it.

Marlene Anderson

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Worth Its Weight in Gold

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Don - boating 001When we feel good about ourselves, we are ready to tackle the world. Bring it on! Nothing is too tough. Whatever happens we believe in our ability to handle it.

 

Brennan Manning in his book, “Abba’s Child,” quotes David Seamon from his book, “Healing for Damaged Emotions”, who writes that many Christians are defeated by Satan’s most powerful psychological weapon.

 

“This weapon has the effectiveness of a deadly missile. Its name? Low self-esteem. Satan’s greatest psychological weapon is a gut level feeling of inferiority, inadequacy and low self-worth.”

He goes on to say that even when we believe and have had “wonderful spiritual experiences”, low self esteem can “shackle” us and keep us from living a full life that God has put in place.

 

Esteem

It is one of the most powerful motivators and encouragers. It acknowledges that we don’t have it all together, we don’t have all the answers but we have the love of God to sustain and encourage us.

 

With self esteem we do not have to create false fronts; we can be honest and genuine with all our faults and strengths and can humbly and joyfully accept the grace of God and then extend it to others.

Esteem is a precious gift to cherish and use with high regard. Its value is worth its weight in gold.

 

When we feel good about ourselves, and know we have merit and value, we are able to meet the challenges life gives us. While genes and heredity set the groundwork for our potential, self-esteem enables us to develop it.

 

Helping our Kids develop a Sense of Worth

 

We want our kids to be happy and confident. How we interact with our kids makes a big difference in their ability to go into the world, develop their talents and live meaningful lives.

Research tells us that “patterns established in infancy” remain fairly consistent throughout childhood and adulthood influencing both behaviors and relationships. As children experience close emotional attachment with their parents, that nurturing helps them develop a more secure sense of who they are when they grow up.

 

Here are some ways to help your children develop worth and positive self esteem.

 

  • Tell your child you love him. Unconditional love means we value them for who they are with all their faults. When behaviors are separated from the child, we can teach them to make better choices. Misbehavior or hurtful behavior is not acceptable, but they are.

 

  • Listen when your children talk. Help them identify feelings and find constructive ways to handle anger and frustration. Let them see your own anger handled appropriately.

 

  • Really see your children. Be as courteous as you would a friend.

 

  • Set reasonable expectations. Your children are not adults. Learning how to behave, learn social skills and set boundaries takes time. It is a process that occurs throughout childhood.

 

  • Teach problem solving skills. Have them Stop, identify the problem, create options and choose one to try out. Encourage them to evaluate the results of their choices to see how effective it was.

 

  • Make rules appropriate to your child’s developmental ability to follow. Be sure they understand the importance of the rule and the consequences attached.

 

  • Give children choices with logical and/or natural consequences and follow through with those consequences. Extend grace when appropriate.

 

  • Complement children on their accomplishments. Comment both on their effort and improvement as well as completing tasks. Surprise them when they least expect it and tell them how well they are doing. When they have struggled with homework, complement them on their hard work.

 

  • Help your children identify his/her individual talents and specific abilities. Encourage and support ways they can strengthen them. Avoid comparisons between your children. One child might be good at sports and have difficulty in the classroom while another is the opposite. Help them to appreciate their individuality while encouraging them to work hard to improve in all ways.

 

  • Model the kind of behavior, attitudes and worth that you want your child to see and follow. Words are important; but what they see is more powerful. As you model values and principles, your children will emulate. When you value yourself and value the child they will develop self esteem and worth.

 

When children hear on-going negative comments, either directly or indirectly that says they are not good enough, or are flawed in some way, it becomes the backbone for their beliefs about themselves and their world and makes self-esteem difficult.

 

Marlene Anderson

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Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, whether for relationships, communication, parenting or developing your focus in life.  You can also sign up for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives. I am available for individual training or presentation to a group or staff.

 

 

We are all teachers

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Young Boy Being Tutored by His TeacherI have had some excellent teachers in my life and some that were downright lousy. In school they played an important role in helping me understand difficult subjects so I could learn.

What makes a good teacher?

For me, a good teacher is someone who is interested in helping you learn. They define their topics and goals and the steps needed to accomplish them and offer encouragement and motivation to achieve.

As parents, we are also teachers.

Learning is a lifelong process. As a parent, we are teaching our children about how to be responsible adults as they go through childhood.

In my blog, Navigation, I wrote about the importance of rewarding children for the tiny steps they make toward a predetermined goal. Some children will need many tiny steps that are rewarded as they move toward the ultimate goal.

Good teachers are good communicators

Communication  breaks down when we assume others know exactly what we mean and are surprised when people have misunderstood our intentions.

A lot of our communication with other adults is based on the belief that they  automatically understand what I am talking about.

With children, it is even more important that requests are clear. Too often we make generalized statements and assume our kids will know what we expect from them.

“I want you to be good tonight at Aunt Martha’s”    or

“Behave yourself”

What does “being good” and “behaving” mean? While kids may understand the generalities connected to these statements, they may not know the specifics implied.

Give Clear, Concise Instructions

Tell kids exactly what you expect; what they can and cannot do.

“When you are at Aunt Martha’s there will be no running around in the house.”

“When I ask you to do something, I want you to stop what you are doing, listen and do it.”

There will be moments in dangerous situations when you need to give a command and take immediate action. That is especially critical when children are too little to comprehend danger. Even when kids get older, there will be times when we have to give immediate commands and follow through with action.

What are you teaching 

We learn manners and respect for others from our parents. When social rules and etiquette are taught at home, our children need only a gentle reminder to apply them when outside the home.

If your child is allowed to constantly talk with his mouth full of food at the dinner table, or runs around the house with wild abandon with no thought for breaking things, or constantly interrupts when someone is speaking, he will do the same when you are at a restaurant or visiting a friend.

Look at your child when talking to them  

When we are busy, we often reply or give directives without looking up from our work. It is important to have our child’s attention. That means eye contact. Stop working, turn around and look at your child and be sure he is looking at you. Be specific about what you want and when you want it done. The same is true when you are answering their questions.

“Susan, I want you to stop bouncing that ball in the house and I want you to stop now. You may go outside and play with it. Do you understand?”

This is a clear demand. Because you  have her attention, she can easily follow through. You have told her exactly what you want her to do, when, and have asked for her confirmation.

If instructions are to be carried out at a later time period, ask her to repeat what you have instructed so you know she has understood.

“Susan, when you have finished your homework, I want you to set the table for dinner before you go out to play. Be sure you are home by 4:30. Will you repeat these instructions to me so I know you understand?”

Whenever possible, give only one instruction at a time, and keep it brief and easy to understand. Avoid stating instructions as questions or suggestions

Don’t say: “Don’t you think you should be getting ready for bed now?

Instead say: “Bob, it’s time to brush your teeth and put on your PJ’s. It’s bedtime.”

While some reminders may be necessary, avoid repeating instructions more than one or two times before following through with an appropriate consequence.

Be Positive

While instructions are given with authority, they can be stated with a positive tone of voice. Avoid telling your child what you don’t want him to do, but rather what you do want him to do. Children hear lots of don’ts but are not always told what they are supposed to do.

Remember to thank your children for following instructions and doing what you ask them to do. Positive statements of affirmation are powerful motivators.

You may expect a child to obey, but it is still difficult and it helps to be commended for doing a good job. Your children need to know you appreciate their obedience.

While most of this is common knowledge, it is amazing how often we forget to apply these rules. These communication rules are important with dialogues with both children and adults.

Marlene Anderson

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Come Out and Play

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Eliz and DonBecome a kid again

There is a kid in all of us. Sometimes we tie him up so he can’t say, “I’m tired of working.  I want to go play.”

Every kid needs time to play. That is true for us as adults as well. There is a kid in each of us who wants to fling out his arms and race down the hill with wild abandon while laughing for the sheer joy of laughing.

Play for the health of it

Play is that medium that releases the bubble of life inside each of us, inviting us to get off the merry-go-round of schedules and simply be. It liberates us from the pressure of work, stress and time constraints to let go and have fun.

Play – it can be individual or a group effort. It can be the simple act of working on a project that has no merit other than it is fun and pleasing in some way. It may be a solitaire state of being as you sit and watch an ant hard at work gathering and collecting bits of food, or a spider deviously waiting on his web of deception for that unsuspecting insect to land and be captured.

Play is that moment when life stands still and you allow your whole being to taste, smell and enjoy the world around you – to experiment with movement or stillness or competition with others who are as eager to escape the confines and chains of have to’s and must’s.

In a world of rules and regulations, we need to find those times when we can abandon ourselves to the freedom of tom-foolery and silliness.

Children and Play

When parents know how to fool around and have fun, children feel less pressured with all the rules of life they are learning. It becomes a time when both child and adult can simply let go and enjoy the moment and each other.

Don - on top of the heap 001Play shouldn’t have to wait until everyone is tired and cranky, but can be a spontaneous way to release stress before going back to our routines and chores. Like love, it becomes a part of the fabric of our life.

It doesn’t matter how we engage in this spontaneous frivolity – whether we become absorbed in sports or table games or gentle roughhousing after which we may sit and talk. When we are free to be ourselves in any situation, we learn to laugh at ourselves and not at someone else.

Play, like humor and laughter, restores our equilibrium as we tease and fool around. We learn to take ourselves less seriously as we poke fun at our own mistakes and find humor in the humorless. It is an attitude – a time of escape from the rigors of life – that rejuvenates and heals.

Parents need that – kids need that – everybody needs that.  

Rules and Play

We need rules to create the structure to navigate the rivers and oceans of our lives. We need love to know we are accepted. We need play to establish a relationship of togetherness that releases our love for one another.

Marlene Anderson

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Navigation

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

SSGP0354My husband and I were sailors. No, we didn’t take off across the oceans to see far-away places.

But we did navigate up and down the coast of Oregon and Washington, maneuvered rivers where ocean freight liners traveled and cruised the San Juan and Canadian Gulf Islands.

To begin sailing or cruising, the first thing you learn is the basics of navigation: where the invisible lanes are in the water, who has the right of way, how to read a “chart”, etc.

Without this knowledge you can quickly end up on the rocks, in shoals or stuck on sandbars.

The Basic Rules of Navigation – Behavioral Management

The basic rules we teach our children can help them navigate through the rocks and shoals of life. It tells them what to expect, why it is important and the consequences of ignoring them.

When attending Coast Guard Navigation classes as newbie sailors, we were motivated to learn because of safety so we could enjoy our time on the water. Children do not have that motivation. It is up to us as parents to provide that motivation through positive reinforcement.

Rules give us the framework of what to do; behavioral management helps reinforce and keep in place the behaviors we want. Behaviors that are reinforced remain in place. If you want to remove a behavior, remove how it is being reinforced.

Anything that increases behaviors are called reinforcers; these can be either positive or negative. They are not bribes. Bribes are rewards for immoral or illegal acts.

Positive Reinforcement

Reinforcers or rewards are anything of importance to a person that will continue to motivate them. That is true for adults as well as children. The rewards can be social, tangible objects, or activities; things like hugs, play time with a parent, time on computer, snacks, etc. are all powerful motivators as long as it is important to the child.

Establishing point charts is a good starting place. As children accomplish the goals set out for them, they are rewarded with a star or other indicator that visually shows their accomplishments. These points can be “cashed in” for a personal reward from a list that has been established ahead of time with both the parent and child.

Reinforcers are usually a combination of things.

Patty gets 15 play points on a chart every time she picks up her toys at the end of the day. She also receives encouraging words and a hug.

Negative Reinforcement

Instead of something that is given, a negative reinforcement is something that is removed which increases the behavior and keeps it in place.

Johnny yells and screams in the store until Mom buys him the candy

he wanted so he will stop the tantrum.

Mom is negatively reinforced, because when she gives in to Johnny he stops yelling. (Something removed). Johnny is positively reinforced because he gets what he wants – candy (something received).

Another Example:

Mom continues to yell at Johnny to come to breakfast until he gets up, gets dressed and comes down so Mom will stop yelling at him.

Johnny is negatively reinforced because he gets up to stop Mom nagging at him.

Rules of Reinforcement

Once again, to be effective, reinforcers need to be rewarding or offer some kind of stimulus that will encourage the specific behavior we want. They must have value and importance to the child. This is also true for us as adults. When we want to put a new behavior in place, we need to find ways to reinforce our repeating the behavior until it becomes a habit.

Behaviors that are reinforced or rewarded immediately and consistently in the beginning will be put in place. Once the behaviors are established, however, they are kept in place by sporadically rewarding them in some way. They become a habit, a way of living.

To put behaviors in place, we need to be specific about what is expected. As parents be careful to keep any promises you make.

Whenever possible, focus more attention on positive behaviors rather than correcting mistakes and/or criticizing.   A good rule to remember is remind and encourage instead of threaten and punish.

Here are the basic rules:

  • To put a behavior in place, reward on a fixed and regular basis.

Susy receives 25 cents every time she completes her homework before going to play. She also receives recognition by her Mom for completing the task.

  • To keep a behavior in place, give reinforcers intermittently vs. a regular basis.

Billy completes his homework when he comes home from school. He doesn’t need to be reminded or rewarded every day because the behavior is in place. Instead, complement and reward occasionally. Billy has already gained a sense of satisfaction from completing his homework without being told.

  • When putting a difficult behavior in place, reinforce small steps, approximate behaviors or first attempts.

Sarah is rewarded with a hug, smile and verbal comments every time

       she helps clear the table even if it is just one plate.  

Establish rules that are appropriate for a child’s age.  Don’t expect behaviors from children that are too young to understand what is expected of them. As children get older they are able to learn more complex rules.

Focus on positive behaviors and reward and encourage them as much as possible. For younger children sometimes diversion is enough to change their direction.

What rules did you have growing up that were beneficial to you?  How did they help you navigate life as you got older?  How were they reinforced?  Understanding what motivates you today can be extremely beneficial as you put new habits in place.

Marlene Anderson

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Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, whether for relationships, communication, parenting or developing your focus in life.  You can also sign up for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives. I am available for individual training or presentation to a group or staff.

Rules of the Road

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

MP900438811Can you imagine getting in your car and driving down the freeway without first going through driver’s training to learn what you could and could not do? And to know that others also were required to get such training.

We may get annoyed with speed limits, aggressive drivers, etc. but the “rules of the road” help us drive with some sense of safety and precaution.

There are “rules of the road” of life in general that we need to learn; social, cultural, psychological, physical, spiritual. We learn manners, respect for others, compassion, restrictions, limitations, time management and how to care for ourselves. We learn the basics of problem solving and critical thinking and how to discern and evaluate choices.

We take these everyday rules for granted but without them, civilization as we know it would soon deteriorate.

I’m Not a Parent – Should I Continue?  

If your parenting years are behind you, you may be wondering what this series on parenting can offer you. There are several reasons why this would be relevant at any time.

In one way or another, most of us are around children – as grandparents, neighbors, helpers in some forms of daycare, etc. We have an influence not only on the adults in our lives, but the children and young adults we are with.

Patterns of behavior repeat themselves from generation to generation. We can learn a lot about ourselves by reviewing our personal histories and childhoods.

If you are currently a parent, examining your past can temper your parenting as you give thought to unconditional love, discipline and grace. If you are just looking back, your reflections on growing up can make a big difference in how you think about yourself and family members.

Family Rules in Your Past

What rules did you grow up with? How were they defined?  Did you know what was expected of you and why? Or were the rules ambiguous, confusing, and unclear? Did the rules help you become more responsible or did they simply make you mad? Were punishments justified?

How the rules and interactions in your family teach you about important values? Are they still important today?  that still serve you today?  Did you get rewarded for doing things well or encouraged for your efforts? Were you given choices?

As we explore more about rules and rewarding the behaviors we want to put in place, keep in mind the things you would have changed when you were growing up and why.

In our next session, we will look at how we can reward the behaviors we want and how we can effectively change or alter those we don’t.  Behavioral management can help us change our current behaviors as well.

Marlene Anderson

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Free Consultation:  

Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, whether for relationships, communication, parenting or developing your focus in life.  You can also sign up for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives. I am available for individual training or presentation to a group or staff regarding parenting.

 

Three Keys to Unlock Healthy Potential

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Woman and young girl embracing outdoors smilingWe often approach parenting as something that simply occurs over time without much thought. We have daycare, both parents working, career building and long distance family members. And yet, we all know that parenting involves more.

Our kids need our time, not only to teach them how to abide by rules, respect others and learn to cooperate, but also to help them develop positive self esteem, socialization skills and responsibility.

The importance of being a good parent is oftentimes underrated and not fully appreciated. And yet, it is one of the most important jobs we will ever have.

Unconditional Love, Discipline and Grace

I believe there are three very important but basic things we can give our children as they grow up: unconditional love, discipline (structure) and grace. I like to think of it as 3 keys to unlocking the healthy potential for our children.

Unconditional Love

To feel good about himself, a child needs to feel acceptance and love. Unconditional love says to our child I love and accept you just as you are; you are valued even when I disapprove and am unhappy with your behavior.

It does not mean that they can do whatever they want to do, when they want, or to whom they want. It does not mean that bad manners, being disrespectful or inconsiderate is tolerated or accepted. We love the child but reprimand and correct the behaviors. Misbehavior or hurtful behavior is not acceptable, but they are.

 

When a child feels loved, they can work on correcting behaviors that are not up to standard and learn how to become responsible adults. It teaches a healthy shame and guilt for behaviors. It also teaches them they are not the center of the universe.

Q:  Did you know you were loved while growing up? Parents can be strict and at times removed; yet we can still feel loved.

Discipline

Discipline means to teach. It is different than punishment in that discipline puts in place rules, structure, consequences and rewards. Punishment takes away or inflicts pain of some kind. While administering punishment can stop behaviors in the short term, it does not produce the long term results we want.

Punishment uses fear to control behaviors.

With discipline, the consequences associated with choices teach us that the results of bad decisions can have painful results.

Punishment uses power over someone. It takes away self-control, empowerment and choice.  It is something that is done to you.

Discipline teaches us that we have power over our selves by the choices we make.

Punishment can lead to power struggles, bitterness, resentment, revenge.

Discipline teaches that if you make bad choices you will suffer the consequences. It also teaches us that when we make better choices the consequences will be different.

Punishment is usually inconsistent and based on the anger and frustration of a parent. When punishment is administered in anger, we often strike or spank, which is modeling inappropriate behavior to our children.

As resentment grows in the child so does aggressiveness and revenge which can soon become a pattern. Punishment that is not consistent, or backed by both parents, sends a mixed or double message with the children.

Punishment usually does not include prescribed consequences ahead of time. It is reactionary and often accompanied with lots of threats followed by an angry retaliation. Not wanting to teach choice and consequences can also lead to lots of threats without a follow up.

Q:  What kind of discipline or punishment did you experience growing up?  Did you feel it was appropriate?  Did you understand why you were being disciplined?

Grace

Grace says we will not be able to fulfill all the rules and regulations.

 

Grace is that generosity of spirit that allows us to tolerate, accommodate and forgive ourselves and others and extend benevolence and understanding.

 

As children grow up they need to recognize that while we have rules, everybody will make mistakes, including parents. That is part of being human. We will lose our temper, say hurtful things and sometimes over react. Saying “I’m sorry” to our kids tells them that we too need grace and forgiveness. It does not diminish our role as parent.

 

It is important that our children be given grace when appropriate.  It does not replace the consistency of putting appropriate behaviors in place.

 

Grace says, I can forgive you and extends understanding and leniency. While there will always be consequences, grace can temper them. As a child experiences grace, they learn how to forgive themselves and others. It teaches them we are not perfect, and that we all need to say we are sorry and make amends when necessary.

Grace allows us to fail and know we are not beaten, or defeated – we can try again. As we support our kids through their trials and tribulations, that unconditional love and grace is a stabilizing force within a child’s life. They know they are not alone.

Q:  When were you extended grace while growing up that still makes you appreciate the gesture?  How did that help you in feeling you could try again and be okay?

Whether you are currently a parent, a grandparent or someone working with children, these same three things can be offered to the children we work with: unconditional love, discipline in structure and grace.

 

Marlene Anderson

You can read my past blogs on relationships starting with June 2015.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Free Consultation:  

Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, whether for relationships, communication, parenting or developing your focus in life.  You can also sign up for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives. I am available for individual training or presentation to a group or staff regarding parenting.

 

Do we ever leave Parenting?

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Young Boy Being Tutored by His TeacherAs we start the New Year, I am continuing my series on Relationships. In this new section, the focus will be on families and parenting and the importance of being an integral part of your child’s upbringing.

In a busy world where more and more time is consumed in making a living, finding quality time to be with our children can be a challenge.

But whether you are a parent or a grandparent, this essential time spent with our families is vital to the health and wellbeing of our children and grandchildren, not only physically, but mentally and spiritually.

Families of Origin

We are a mixture of many things: our personality traits (our habitual patterns of behavior, thought, and emotion), DNA, where we were born, our position in the family, the culture we grow up in, all the experiences we have had, etc.

We are born with a set of personality traits that influence how we interact with the world. It is within our families of origin where we learn how to behave, what is acceptable and not acceptable and how we fit in the scheme of things.

It is within our families where we develop a sense of acceptance; feeling loved even when we misbehave. Without attention, structure and nurturing, we develop feelings of rejection and insignificance. When we are loved unconditionally, have appropriate boundaries with reasonable consequences, we are able to develop a sense of confidence to meet the challenges of the adult world.

How relevant and important is this?

What difference does it make to understand our beginnings? Our adult life is influenced by those early childhood experiences and the people who helped put in place our sense of the world and who we are in it.

Think back to your own childhood

  • What were your earliest recollections?
  • Who had a positive influence on you as you grew up? Who had a negative influence?
  • What would you change if you could go back? What would you want more of; or less of?
  • How do those early experiences continue to have an effect on you today?
  • What helped you become a responsible adult? What did you have to learn on your own that you were not taught?

As you reflect, keep in mind this isn’t a blame game on your parents or others. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. It is simply a way to begin to understand how your beginnings had an impact on who you are today.

As you understand your beginnings, you will be better able to discern what your children need; those things that don’t change no matter what day or age or generation you live in.

We influence one another at all stages of life

If you are a grandparent, you have an opportunity to have a positive effect in your grandchildren’s lives. As you share the wisdom, the errors and mistakes as well as positive outcomes you have gained from a lifetime of living with your children, you support them as parents. This sharing is not a dictate of what must be followed, but a sharing of support and love and understanding of the difficult task of parenting.

In my next post we will look at how unconditional love, appropriate discipline and grace can help our children grow up with values, self worth and dignity, and consideration for others as they become responsible adults.

Marlene Anderson

You can read my past blogs on relationships starting with June 2015.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Free Consultation:  

Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, whether for relationships, communication, parenting or developing your focus in life.  You can also sign up for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives.

 

An Invitation

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Christmas tree with presents and fireplace with stockings --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting  Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

We have heard the story so many times in Christmas cards, articles and sermons. It is a familiar and treasured tradition – a tradition that today is being challenged on many fronts.

“For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2:11 -King James Version (KJV)

Who is this God

Who is this God who sent His Son as a vulnerable baby to a self-serving world of treachery and deceit? A God who loves us more than we can imagine.  A God who knocks gently at our hearts and waits for us to invite Him in.

“Everyone more or less believes in God. Most of us do our best to keep God on the margins of our lives or, failing that, refashion God to suit our convenience.”

Eugene Peterson, Introduction to the Prophets, The Message.

If we took Christ out of Christmas and simply focused on all the glittery tinsel, celebrations and Christmas concerts, we would be left with an empty tradition, a stressed time of year, and just another holiday that gives us time off from work.

If we forgot to come to the manager at Christmas, we would drift even further away from our premise of “God”, a God we desperately need in our lives – not just at Christmas but every day of the year.

Who is this God who asks us to believe beyond ourselves – who asks us to take a risk of faith – to trust – to open our eyes and see – to make a choice to turn away from the things that are slowly destroying our lives – to choose love instead of hate.

Who is this God who asks us to humble ourselves, who says “follow me”, and who gives us is a different way to live our lives. A God who offers life and not death.  Not just here – but for eternity.

Come join me and others as we seek this tiny babe in a manager, kneel before Him with humble hearts and sing Hallelujah choruses with the angels. Let’s celebrate His birth.

For our Savior has come.

Merry Christmas

Marlene Anderson