We are constantly communicating, whether on our cell phones, facebook page, twitter or socializing over a glass of wine. But are you aware that you are also constantly communicating with yourself?

From the time we wake up in the morning to when we go to sleep at night, there is an internal dialogue going on inside of us.

What are you saying to yourself? Are you hearing affirming words that encourage and motivate you? Or do you hear words that constantly sow seeds of doubt, misgivings, and fears?

Your Internal Critic

Each of us has an internal critic, some more aggressive than others. It tells us how bad we are, how incompetent and unreliable.  You might hear things like, “you can’t win, you are not good enough, blah, blah, blah.”  The critic’s job is to remind you of all the reasons why you can’t succeed, so don’t waste your time trying. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

An internal critic has been around a long time and simply keeps repeating messages it has taken from our past and put onto a continuous tape. The messages are always negative, pessimistic, demeaning and discouraging.  This internal critic has been around a long time and it has nothing of value to tell you.

Doubts and Fears

It is normal to have doubts and fears. Like all emotions, they have a purpose and it is important to pay attention to them.  They warn us to stop and investigate before going on. They keep us from making knee-jerk reactions.We need to be able to assess and evaluate the information they are giving us.

When doubts and fears continue to overshadow our attempts to find appropriate solutions, it’s time to challenge their authenticity.

Internal Critic or Constructive Criticism

While an internal critic never has anything positive to say, constructive criticism is important.  The first gives you no options – the second enables you to review incoming information, evaluate its messages and make an assessment on how to proceed.  Using critical analysis, we can look for the best solutions available to us at the time.

Challenge the Validity of Your Negative Critic

Stop and pay attention to your self-talk for awhile.  If you are constantly hearing over and over some of the following typical messages, it is probably coming from an internal critic. Here are some typical statements:

• Why do you always screw up?
• You’re so stupid.
• Won’t you ever learn?
• What’s wrong with you?
• If others knew how incompetent you were, they would have nothing to do with you
• Why can’t you be like your sister/brother?
• You’ll never amount to anything.

Statements such as these that are constantly triggered whenever anything goes wrong are not helpful to anyone. While we all might bemoan the fact that we have made stupid mistakes or scold ourselves for making bad choices, the internal critic offers nothing that can be viewed as constructive.

Some ways to silence a negative critic

It may be difficult to stop an ongoing critic that has nothing positive to say.  Give your critic a name.  Remember, it’s not you – it’s a tape recording of messages accumulated from your past.  Give it a name and when it is activated, tell it to sit down and be quiet – you are tired of hearing demeaning and self-destructing messages.

Or, imagine these messages on a tape recorder that is constantly activated. Imagine holding a remote control with a huge STOP and PLAY button on it.  Whenever the PLAY button has been activated, see yourself push the STOP button.  Remember, the tape and its voice, the Internal Critic, has been around a long time.  You will have to be very demanding and consistent.  If you are alone, say out loud STOP – I do not intend to listen to worthless garbage.

Replace

It’s not enough to simply stop a reaction that has become habitual.  We need to replace it with something else.  Replace the critical words you hear with words of affirmation.  Here are some important ones:

I am capable, competent and discerning

I may not have all the answers, but I can learn

I accept myself unconditionally – both my strengths and weaknesses

I am not my past – I may have made mistakes, but I can learn from them

These are just a sample of positive affirmations.  Affirmations affirm your worth, abilities, beliefs and values.  They draw you towards a self-fulfilling prophecy of possibility and choice. Repeat them every day to establish a new dialogue and establish confidence.

Marlene Anderson

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Not everyone will like what you do.  Not everything you say will be received the way you intended it to.  You will not get all the breaks – in fact, you may think you have been short-changed. Others get all the breaks – you get all the leftovers.

Success isn’t about what others think about you.  It’s not about what you have or have not been given. It’s about what you do with what you have been given.

Too often, we blame everything or everyone, including ourselves for our perceived lack of success.  When this becomes a solidified mindset, we become our own worst enemy.

The greatest roadblock to success in life is often ourselves.

When we play the blame game, we remain stuck.  We dimish our capabilities to succeed.  We focus on the reasons why we can’t, and then, give up as soon as the road gets tough.

History is full of roadblocks conquered

Looking back throughout history, we find example after example of people who have accomplished amazing things with little money, severe handicaps of poverty, education disadvantages, harsh childhoods, physical anomalies or difficult environments.  They did not consider them unassailable or impregnable.  They worked with the tools they were given or acquired them along the way.

For example, early settlers in America crossed enormous mountain ranges and roaring rivers with heavily loaded wagons and teams of horses. They did not have rich bank accounts or GPS’s. We romanticize their journeys and create exciting movies.  But they were ordinary people who did extraordinary things.

But they were full of grit and determination.  They experienced depressive setbacks and towering obstacles, seemingly impossible barriers, discouragement, death, losses of people and worldly possessions important enough to load on wagons and cart for thousands of miles. They endured extreme weather conditions.  They had to think on their feet, be incredibly creative and ingenious.  They had to fight for their lives, not only from the elements of nature but from inhabitants of the land.  They were not Rhodes scholars, but ordinary men and women like us.

If they could accomplish such amazing feats why can’t we?  Why do we give up so easily?

Although they had to make detours to bypass treacherous terrain to find that passage through the mountains or over rivers; while plans may have been altered to accommodate conditions, their goal remained the same: to cross the country to make a new life for ourselves.

What journey are you on – what’s your goal?

What are you doing with your natural abilities and talents? What do you want to accomplish but have been fearful to try? What holds you back from even making an attempt to set a target objective?  What roadblocks do you see that are absolutely impossible to go over, around or under?

Focus on what you can do – not what you can’t

Instead of focusing on all the things that would make it difficult for you to reach your goals, stop and consider all the things that enable you to reach your goals.

Get a piece of paper and start making a list of all your skills and aptitudes. On this sheet, write down all the things you have already accomplished.

How did you achieve them?  What were the first steps you took to get there?  What skills or training were required?  What would it take to begin making and working towards your goals today?

It might feel scary to focus only on positive possibilities. After all, we haven’t always been successful.  You might find yourself saying, “Yes, but….”

We tend to blow out of proportion all the reasons why we can’t do something and give little credence to all the reasons why we can.

Consider people such as Stephen Hawking, physicist, Hellen Keller, blind and deaf, Tammi Grey-Thompson who had Spina Bifida but became a wheelchair racer and winner.

There are thousands of individuals who took what we might consider impossible disabilities and accomplished incredible things.

Is it easy?  Of course not.  Can we do it without the help, support, and encouragement of others? No.  But we can do it.

Important Lessons from your past

On your list write about the things you have overcome in the past. What benefits still motivate and inspire you today?   We all want a good education, but we also have natural born talents that can be developed. Maybe you are good at mechanics or fixing things.  Maybe you are creative in cooking or entertaining.  Perhaps you are good with children and enjoy being a stay at home Mom. They are all important even though we don’t hear people talk about them.

We tend to compare our gifts negatively with others, considering them insignificant or unimportant. Don’t discount any of your talents and abilities. We need everyone’s skills, gifts, and abilities. Nurture them and use them.

Marlene Anderson

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Bridges. They are incredible feats of engineering and ingenuity.  I am fascinated by how lofty and expansive they can be – rising above deep gorges and over wide rivers or bodies of water.

In our early days of cruising the San Juan Islands, my husband and I took our sailboat under one of those amazing bridges that spanned Whidbey Island and Fidalgo Island. The beauty of the area had competition from the grandeur of the bridge that rose high above us. How were they able to build such a structure?

Later, visiting the area by car, we stopped at a lookout at the entrance to the bridge and read the history associated with it. Early settlers would take a small ferry boat to get from one island to the other until the 1930’s when construction began to build a permanent bridge.  It remains a testament to the ingenuity and resourcefulness of men and women able to construct something of such stature that could withstand extreme weather and support heavy loads.

Building Bridges

We typically think of bridges as those physically constructed with steel or wood or hanging cables that we walk or drive across.

But we are also building bridges in our personal lives: from the past to present; between friends, spouses, family or members of a team. These bridges are constructed of tolerance, grace, and understanding held together not with nails or cables but patience and long-suffering.  They are built to withstand the ravages of time; yet flexible enough to move with the winds of assailing storms.  We carry across those bridges not the cargo of people, lumber or logs, but the treasured nuggets of wisdom and information gleaned from working through the rocks and quagmires of our past that will empower our lives today.

The loads we take with us include the skills of problem-solving, negotiation and the building blocks of good communication, listening, encouragement and motivational comments needed to build better relationships.  Tucked in here and there are grace, understanding, and forgiveness.

As I continue to share excerpts from my new program, “Yes I Can! Three Steps to Empower your Life” building bridges was the ending of Step one. Understanding our roots and beginnings enables us to build that positive bridge from what was to what we can do today, applying what we learned about ourselves to build a more positive tomorrow.

Marlene Anderson

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Losses come in all sizes, shapes, and forms.

You may have lost your spouse, your child or other beloved family member or friend. Sometimes, it happens with the normal progression of age.

Sometimes it is with the unexpected telephone call bearing bad news, or a spouse’s request for a divorce. It might be the loss of your job or the discovery that the symptoms of discomfort you have been having is due to cancer or other degenerative diseases.

Even though each loss is different in some way, there is a commonality between them; something of great importance has been taken away that had purpose and meaning to you.

Losses

How do we move past them?  How do we rise above them? How do we grieve them?

There are many books on the market that talk about grief and loss.  But grieving is more than just walking through the pain of sorrow in those early days and months.  It is more than coming to terms with the unexpected and uncertainty about the future.  It involves a transition from what was to what is now.  It is answering the question, I knew who I was before, but who am I today?

People want to live again with purpose and meaning.  They want to love again. They want to feel whole and complete. They don’t just want to survive, they want to thrive once more.

When losses begin early in life and remain unresolved and ungrieved, the troubled thoughts and emotions locked in our memories are triggered again and again until we address them.  These losses can be the result of abuse, bullying, unfair comparisons, being ignored, rejected, or not seen.  A child can feel okay and know they are loved even within strict rules and boundaries if they get the attention that says, I don’t approve of your behaviors, but I love you. Children need words of encouragement even if those words come from a caring teacher or coach.  

Moving Forward

Healing our past requires defining that loss, working through the issues associated with it so we can move beyond it. Grieving past losses allows us to integrate them into the fabric of our life that promotes strength, appreciation, and confidence in who we are and who we can become.

Here are some ways to address losses, whether from our past or those you are currently experiencing.

• It takes courage to grieve, and a willingness to be honest as we work through our sorrow, uncertainty, and vulnerability. Losses will continue to exact their toll on us until we work through them and put them to rest. That means working through the fears, pain, emotions, and anxieties associated with them. Building walls or running away may be expedient at the moment but only delays the healing process.

• No matter how independent we may think we are, we need the support of others. Reach out and accept the love and support of those who want to help in some way. Get counseling by a qualified therapist to work through old losses.

• Tragedies demand answers. At some point, however, we need to come to terms with what has happened, the “whys” and “what ifs” and let go of unanswered questions, injustice or bad choices.

• Writing letters of goodbye can articulate what is in our heart and spirits and help resolve and integrate our losses. Much like journaling but more direct, writing to our losses creates a way to speak to subjective things such as loss of dreams, lifestyle, and expectations. Writing takes it out of the head, further illuminating both our thoughts and feelings. Write as you would any letter.  Dear (dream, career, health, etc.) I remember how important this was, what I wanted, etc.

• Write a letter to your loved one who died. Tell them what they meant to you, the good times you spent together, how you are keeping your memories alive, what is the hardest part for you now, or what you wished you had time to do.

• Sometimes words cannot express what we are feeling. Art gives us the opportunity to say through fabric or clay or wood or paints what cannot otherwise be expressed adequately. Make a wall hanging or quilt or mold clay into a memorial of some kind.  There are many art therapy classes available.

• Create a new narrative that focuses on who you are now. “I will be okay – I can make it. I miss what I had but the love we shared will go with me as I move forward. I am not the pain, shame or abused child of my past. I’m discovering new ways to live life fully and meaningful every day.”

• Focus on what you can do today instead of what was taken away. See yourself as a capable person instead of a victim, able to create a new life of purpose and meaning.

• Establish new social groups who share a commonality with you. Include laughter and fun as you encourage and support and enjoy each other’s company.

• Grieving losses is a spiritual journey. As a Christian, God was as much a part of my grief and loss journeys as anything I might have done on my own.  I have found that when all is at its darkest, I look up and find the outstretched hand of God reaching down, giving comfort, love, and peace.

It is never too late to work through old losses. Until we grieve and work through them, they will remain in the background ready to sabotage our lives. They are usually loaded with anger, shame or guilt that needs to be worked through and emotions released. They can then be put into our memories.

Marlene Anderson

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Once upon a time, a package was delivered to a young woman. When she opened it, her eyes blazed and she became very angry.  Although she was infuriated over receiving this parcel, nevertheless she picked it up and took it with her.

Soon other packages arrived and she had to get a larger bag to put them in so she could carry them.

Every morning she dutifully picked up her bag and took it with her; on the bus to work and when she met the girls for coffee or a glass of wine.  It went along to family gatherings and remained on her back as she fixed meals, cleaned house and did the laundry.  Every once in awhile, she would receive another unwelcome and unwanted package which she stuffed in the bag with the others. Her bag began to get heavier and heavier.

There were moments when she laid her bag down – times when she went for a walk outdoors and enjoyed the beauty of trees and flowers or walked the beach where water gently lapped around her ankles.  At such moments, she felt free and alive. She could enjoy the sun and the sweet pungent smells of earth or clean air.

She felt weightless and at peace and was tempted to leave the bag behind when she left. But it called to her and she would pick her load up once more, the moments enjoyed becoming burning coals of sadness, regret, and despair.

One day as she walked down the path of life, oblivious to the beauty that was around her, an old man stopped her and said,

“Every day you carry that big bag.  I can tell it is heavy by the way your body sags under the weight and the strain of effort can be seen on your face. You must have something very valuable in that bag.”

The woman set the bag down and reflected on what he said. She had been carrying her load so long that it seemed the natural thing to do.

“Sir, the things in my bag are things I do not want, have never wanted, and carry them with me so that I never forget how much they have injured me.  If I lay them down, then I might forget.  For you see, in this bag are all the betrayals, rejections, insults, lies and humiliations I have received – things that have cut and wounded my spirit and soul.”

The man responded with deep concern. “Why would you want to keep carrying them?  Why don’t you put them down and leave them behind?”

With tears in her eyes, she replied, “Because I don’t want to forget what was done to me.  I don’t want them to get away with what they did to me.  I want them to remember the pain and suffering they inflicted on me.”

With tenderness the old man gently replied,

“But they don’t know you are carrying this bag of grievances and resentment.  They are not around.  Whatever was done to you, you continue to do to yourself. You are not exacting any punishment on them but on you.  Others may have injured you, but you continue to inflict pain on yourself.“

Amazed, she said, “But if I put it down, won’t I be saying, that what they did was okay?  That they got away with it.  As long as I carry this bag I can remember and maybe get even someday.”

The man kindly and compassionately said, “Is it worth letting a lifetime of joy and happiness pass you by?”

She looked into his eyes full of wisdom and grace and realized for the first time that by carrying her bag full of resentment and grievances, she was unable to enjoy doing those things that deep down she yearned to do. When our focus is on bitterness, there is no room left for joy.

She thanked the man and went home, put down her bag and pondered the things he said. What would she do with all the “rocks” of injustices she had been carrying around for so long?  It wasn’t just the wrongs done to her, but the anger that was continually fanned into a deep simmering rage.  She no longer wanted to carry them. But what would she do with them?

She looked out the window and gazed at her garden  It seemed so ordinary and common.  Instantly she knew what she would do.

Filled with an energy that bubbled up from deep within, she took the “rocks” out of her bag and went to work.  She built a monument in her garden, filling in places with fresh new dirt, planting graceful trees and fragrant blooming plants and flowers.

Water ponds held the tears she shed and pathways wound around carefully placed objects that no longer were stumbling blocks but sculptures of beauty.

Her garden no longer was mundane, but extraordinary and she would invite friends and family over to enjoy conversation, peace, and happy thoughts in her expansive garden.

Forgiveness is for you…

The story above is just that – a story.  But in its simplicity, illustrates how we carry huge loads of injuries with us as we travel through life.  Forgiveness allows us to put our bag of “rocks” down.  Forgiveness allows us to build something positive from the hurts of the past.  When we focus on how badly someone has treated us, we become a victim of our own story.

Forgiveness allows you to make peace with any bitterness that may be in your past.  It allows you to let go of the pain and experience peace.

Don’t you want to set your heavy burden down and choose to forgive?  Forgiveness, after all, is for us. Jesus said, forgive 70+ times.  Science tells us the same thing.

Marlene Anderson

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Last week I suggested going back to your roots to complete old stories, heal old wounds and bring a new understanding to your life today.

While it can be painful, it is also very therapeutic.

Within your story of life there are many little stories, hidden like gems in the wall of your memory. They often get overlooked because we only see the vastness of boring, mediocre or unpleasant experiences.

Sit back in your easy chair and reflect for a moment on all the experiences you have had.  Which ones were exciting?  Which ones were humdrum or monotonous?  Which ones would you flee from without a moment’s hesitation?  Which ones would you love to go back, dig deeper and learn more?

Within the raw stories of our lives are life-altering moments; things that affected us profoundly but have been forgotten.  There might have been “Ah-ha” moments or some “Ouch” moments when you learned a deeper truth about yourself, but then simply stashed it away in the closet of your mind. There are treasures waiting to be uncovered, dusted off and enjoyed.

As you dig deep and uncover the events and people who made your life unique to you, think about those times as valuable nuggets of wealth.  Whether you had a difficult childhood, either from neglect, abuse or never being able to measure up, or you were the darling who never did anything wrong, you will have sustained both negative and positive consequences.

You might have become stronger, able to sustain the hard trials of life today.  You might have learned wisdom in that within each of us lies the ability to hurt or harm others as well as the capacity to develop compassion, grace and understanding.  You might have learned you weren’t as perfect as you thought. You might have learned that no matter how hard things were there was still hope – hope that enabled you to keep trying, keep going.

Take that list of events and people that you have been making.  Put each one on a 3 x 5 card.  On the front write the situation.  On the back, put down bits and pieces of information: words spoken, smells remembered, emotions felt, etc.What was happening?  How did you feel?   Who was there? What important insight did you receive?

Now take one of those cards and write a story.  Write it as if someone reading it could put themselves in that situatioin. Put down details vividly so anyone could experience the same sights, smells and sounds.As you write you will remember details long forgotten, some that may be very important. This is your story.  It is how you perceived the world you were living in.  Write as much or as little as you want.

Then read it out loud.  What greater truth was revealed? What did you learn about yourself?  What new strengths have been discovered?  What uncomfortable flaws or faults have been revealed?  We are a combination of both our strengths and triumphs and our weaknesses and shortcomings.  When we recognize all of them we become human, relatable and genuine.

You have just written a memoir.  Each of us has many memoirs within the overall arc of our life.  If written honestly you won’t be writing to seek revenge or get even. You won’t fabricate or embellish, exaggerate or bend the truth.  But your take away will be that gem of understanding of what it means to be human, to survive and overcome.

Marlene Anderson

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If you wanted to leave a legacy for your children and grandchildren that portrayed what life was like both growing up and as an adult, what would you say? What important and life changing events and people would be in your stories? What funny tales would you share; just thinking about them makes you laugh out loud.

In putting together a speech I am giving this week to a group of writers on writing memoirs, I was reminded again on how important it is to take time, go back and explore our past. We have so many stories to tell – stories that only we can tell – in our voice and as we experienced them.

Writing your own story is powerful and gives voice to what you have lived – it allows you to be heard.  Clarity comes as you begin to write.  It is a way to gather your thoughts clearly and coherently to piece together all your experiences, re-examine events objectively, and come to terms with life altering change.

Reflecting and writing gives us the opportunity to grieve old losses, heal old wounds and put to rest difficult memories.

As you write, identify your strengths and abilities. It will help you gain a greater appreciation of yourself and others.  When we can accept and celebrate all the parts of our life’s journey – the good, the bad and the ugly – we are able to integrate them into a new whole that has balance, grace and compassion.

Growing up we make interpretations of our experiences that form perceptions of who we think we are based on those meanings.

We will have experienced both happy and hurtful situations but tend to forget the happy times and dwell only on the unhappy ones.

In my new program, “Yes I can, Three Steps to Empower Your Life,” I suggest in Step One that you go back to your roots and make a list of all the things that impacted you growing up. What events were especially memorable?  Who supported and encouraged you?   Which events and people were not affirming and positive?

Then take some sheets of paper and write about each of them.  What can you say today that you couldn’t before?  Who would you like to thank? Write them a thank you note.  What elements of your story can you reframe and expand to bring more clarity and understanding to your life story?

Keep in mind that early serious psychological wounds inflicted by others were people themselves who struggled with a lack of worth, esteem and value. And unfair comparisons we may have experienced are just that – unfair comparisons.

It is important to also remember that we are not our pain, shame or abused child.  These are things that may have happened, but they do not define who we are, unless we allow them to.  We can take away a larger message of discovering our value and worth.

While our experiences help shape us, we are the final determiners of how we will use and apply our past today. Affirm your ability to be who you were meant to be.  Believe in yourself.

So take some time in the weeks to come to explore and write about the events you lived.  What lessons did you learn?  What bigger value can you take away that you didn’t see before?

As you write, be honest and genuine.  Don’t embellish or take away.  When you can express your weaknesses and shortcomings to yourself and others along with your strengths and triumphs, you and your story will become more human, relatable and engaging.

Marlene Anderson

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We live in a time of rapid change.  Adjusting to that change requires self-confidence in our ability to rise to the level of new demands.  While technology can be helpful, it can also add to our stress levels as we try to adjust to the accelerating pace associated with rapid change.

It is a good time to ask yourself what things from your past have been helpful and how can I use them again? Our past influences the choices we make today. Taking time to reflect and explore our roots can help separate the negative from the positive.

What messages did you hear growing up? Were they hurtful or encouraging? How did the events and people in your past help “shape” and “mold” you into the person you are today?  Reflection gives us the opportunity to consider how those growing up experiences continue to make either a positive or negative impact on our way of interacting with the world today.

Here are three reasons why it is important to take a journey back to our growing up days. First, revisiting our past can bring resolution to traumatic and difficult events.  The brain constantly reminds us of threatening or intimidating experiences so they can be resolved.  It doesn’t take long to form a habit that always looks on the negative side of life.

Second going back to our roots can give us a clearer picture of circumstances.  While we can’t change our past, we can use new understanding to rewrite the ending moving forward. As a child we have limited ability to interact in our defense and put into perspective what is happening.

And third, reflecting helps us remember all the good times as well the not so good.  What was happening when you were relaxed and having fun. What were you doing?  Who was having fun with you? Did you find contentment and pleasure in exploring, creating, or just hanging out with friends?

We are a combination of genes and traits and experiences, some positive and motivating and others hurtful and discouraging.  The family we grew up in played a role in how we interact with others.  There might have been unfair comparisons or we were lost as a middle child. Our school years may have been punctuated with bullying incidents, peer pressure and unhappy alliances that continue to leave a residue on our lives.

Many occurrences, interactions, words and deeds combine to help “shape” and “mold” us.  While many may be unpleasant, there will be moments of intense pride and pleasure as well as special relationships.  Looking back helps us to remember equally those times.

We are not stuck with one premise, one way of looking at the world.  Each of us has the ability to grow and improve, conquer and overcome.  We can choose to look at today’s world with fresh eyes in whatever circumstances we find ourselves.

Affirm your strengths – accept your vulnerabilities.

A quick exercise

Take a blank piece of paper and draw a circle in the middle. Put a smiling face on it and add your name.  Draw lines that extend outward from that circle like the rays of the sun. On each of those sunshine spokes write the characteristics, traits or features that make you “you”.

• What traits or strengths would you assign yourself? You might see yourself as upbeat or depressed. You might see yourself as strong and determined or shy and hesitant
• What qualities or defining features do you believe you have? Ex: thoughtful, contemplative, unselfish, introspective, charismatic, etc.
• Describe your social traits (friendly, shy, aloof, talkative, engaging, etc.)
• How would you characterize your appearance and physical condition (tall, attractive, weak, muscular, strong, frail, thin, shapely, etc.)
• What talents and abilities do you possess (artistic, computer savey, athletic, etc.)
• What is your typical emotional state (happy, pensive, anxious, angry, compassionate, cheerful, fearful, etc.)
• What is your dominant way of thinking or mindset? (Suspicious, dependable, trusting, courageous, independent, reliable, competent, motivated, adept, etc.)

We are influenced by our DNA, personality traits, childhood experiences and the fundamental beliefs we put in place while growing up.  We have untapped potential that may have been obscured by earlier unpleasant life events. Each of us interprets life in our unique way. At any point in time we can expand that interpretation, accepting the not so positive as well as the strengths we have. Celebrate all parts of you.

Marlene Anderson

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To Receive a Free Consultation for putting together a Personal Plan of Action for yourself,  fill out the contact form beside this blog or send me an e-mail.  I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs or women’s groups on a variety of topics that affect our lives.

January is the time of year when we think about making new year’s resolutions. New goals are made because we want to improve our life in some way.  We begin with good intentions but often do not have enough resolve.

Goal setting often fails because they are made without careful thought and planning.

If we do not take into consideration how they will impact family, work, relationships or finances, we can easily get discouraged and abandon them.

When goals are too general, we don’t follow through because the end result is too far in the future and we haven’t put in place reasonable steps to reach that end result.

REFLECTION

Before you begin to make new goals, take a moment and reflect on what you have accomplished in the past.

What did you do to make that happen? For example, your goal might have been very specific with well defined action steps.

Did you have a clear picture of what you wanted before you started?  Could you visulize it?

What obstacles or insurrmountable odds did you face and how did you overcome them?

What kept you motived when you got discouraged?

Did you modify your large goals into tiny ones that could easily be completed?

Are there goals you have abandoned?  Can you develop a new plan of action to complete them?

Did you have the support and help from others?

Reflection helps us to know ourselves better.  What are our strengths and our weaknesses?  How can we better direct ourselves in order to succeed? Reflection reminds us of what we consider important and can help motivate us to keep going.

When I refelct on what I have been able to accomplish in the past, I am reminded that when I remain focused and motivated, I can accomplish many things. But before I set specific goals, I start by looking at the big picture of what I want, who I want to become and how that will bring meaning and purpose to my life.

Anything is possible if we can dream and visualize it –

but we have to be willing to put in the effort.

“Yes I Can, Three Steps to Empower Your Life

Yes, I can, 3 steps to Empower your Life  is a new life coaching program I will be introducing to my readers in the upcoming weeks. It is designed to help you heal old wounds, replace negative and devaluing self talk with positive affirmations and look at the bigger picture of what you want in life.

“Yes I can” is a belief you develop about your abilities and perseverance to complete whatever you set out to do. It says,

I will go on when I am disappointed, discouraged or face what

seems like unresolvable roadblocks.  I can find a way.  I can make it.

 

It is a mantra that will allow you to problem solve, review and refine the end goals you want to make to maximize your potential and live a life with meaning and purpose.

So make your first resolution to reflect on what you have accomplished this past year and in the years prior.  Ask yourself: what do I you really want to achieve in my lifetime?  Are these wants realistic and ones that will have meaning to me in the long term?  Do they meet my values and principals?

Then take the information and make an overall plan on how you might accomplish this.

Marlene Anderson

If you enjoyed this blog post, share with your friends.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

To Receive a Free Consultation for putting together a Personal Plan of Action for yourself,  fill out the contact form beside this blog or send me an e-mail.  I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs or women’s groups on a variety of topics that affect our lives.

While finishing the last touches of decorating, buying and wrapping presents, we might experience feelings of sadness and depression instead of happiness.

My last blog spoke to how losses can impact our Christmas.  Those losses include pets that were a major part of our families.

It isn’t just recent losses that can influence our feelings.Holidays remind us of magical childhood moments when we were spellbound over lights and the promise of unwrapping that special present we wanted more than anything.

But holidays also remind us of strained relationships, broken promises and a past filled with pain and disappointment.  It can remind us of a childhood where the dreams of a happy family were constantly shattered.

When painful emotions from the past surface, we often medicate ourselves with drugs or alcohol or endless shopping sprees to dull the ache. We lose ourselves in parties so we don’t have to feel. But deep inside a tiny voice pleads, “I am tired of running away and feeling sad. I want to feel peace and happiness. I want to experience that childlike wonder of expectation and anticipation this Christmas.”

How do we get beyond painful feelings that are triggered this time of year?

1. Allow yourself to feel. Walling off, pushing away or trying to contain your past can be stressful and exhausting. Only when painful issues are faced directly can we be free from their grip. If you continue to experience intrusive troubling emotions from your past, gift yourself time with a good therapist who can help you work through the pain.
2. Acceptance. The losses from our past often continue to haunt us because we have not accepted them. Acceptance stops the cycle of resistance, resentment, anger and helplessness.   While the losses in our life will always be a defining part of who we are, moving through the grief allows painful memories to heal.
3. Let Go. Forgiveness allows you to let go of resentments, anger and bitterness. It acknowledges that life may be unfair, but hanging on to our grievances only hurts me. Holding onto resentment is corrosive and toxic.  Forgiveness allows us to get past the hurt and allows us to make peace with a bitter past.  We can choose to hang onto hatred or replace it with meaningful and productive thoughts and actions.
4. Focus on blessings. Even in the darkest of times when we are struggling to survive, there are things to be thankful for. Looking for things to be grateful for and focusing on blessings changes our brain chemistry allowing us to feel differently. Thankfulness reframes our outlook and removes us from victim mode.
5. Reach out. If you are struggling, reach out to a friend or become part of a support group, especially if your losses are current.  Reaching out to others reminds us we are not alone. Become aware of others who are going through tough times and reach out to them with a kind word and understanding. When we reach out to others we feel better. It puts a new perspective on our own troubles. A smile and empathy for the frazzled clerk, choosing not to get angry or grumpy when standing in long lines, giving grace to others who are having a tough day are small ways we can reach out that also enriches our lives.
6. Stay in the here and now. When you become aware your thoughts are constantly tuning into the negative, tell yourself “stop.” Listening to old negative messages from the past is a habit.  Push the stop button on that old tape and replace with a constructive message.  It can be an affirmation that says, Yes I can, or God will see me through this, or I refuse to live in the past, I can choose to create a positive life, or I choose to see the good as well as the bad, or I will be okay.  “Yes I can” is a mantra I use when life gets me down that completely reverses my thinking.  And the second is, God loves me and I am never alone.

Christmas is a time to rejoice in a new beginning. It is the time a Savior was born.  He came because He loves us.  In Him we find the peace and healing that our heart longs for. Reach out and take His healing grace and allow Him to be a part of this holiday season and your life.

Marlene Anderson

If you enjoyed this blog post, share with your friends.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

To Receive a Free Consultation for putting together a Personal Plan of Action for yourself,  fill out the contact form beside this blog or send me an e-mail.  I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs or women’s groups on a variety of topics that affect our lives.