Perhaps you have experienced misplaced loyalty, broken commitments and trampled expectations from those you considered friends, colleagues and spouses.

If you have been hurt in relationships, you may ask: Relationships – who needs them? Wouldn’t it just be easier to stay out of any serious relationship all together?

And yet, we are social animals and require social interaction to survive. Consider this post from Jeney Cadell, PsyD who writes in her blog, How Healthy Relationships Change our Brains,

“We are much more interconnected than we realize. As technology advances and we are able to actually see into the human brain, we now have proof of this.”

Research is literally showing evidence that we are hardwired to connect with each other and “that healthy relationships actually soothe our brains.” Technology is allowing us to see what is happening within our brains.

We were not meant to face “the trauma and difficulties of life” by ourselves. Creating secure bonds is important for our health.

Consider the following statistics from several years ago when I put together my class on relationships:

• Socially isolated people are two to three times more likely to die prematurely than those with strong social ties. The type of relationship doesn’t matter: marriages, friendship, religious and community ties all seem to increase longevity.
• Divorced men (before age 70) die from heart disease, cancer, and strokes at double the rate of married men. Three times as many die from hypertension; five times as many commit suicide; seven times as many die from cirrhosis of the liver; and ten times as many die from tuberculosis.
• The rate of all types of cancer is as much as five times higher for divorced men and women, compared to their single counterparts.
• Poor communication can contribute to coronary disease.  One Swedish study examined 32 pairs of identical twins. One sibling in each pair had heart disease, whereas the other was healthy.  Researchers found that the obesity, smoking habits, and cholesterol levels of the healthy and sick twins did not differ significantly. Among the significant differences, however, were “poor childhood and adult interpersonal relationships” – the ability to resolve conflicts and the degree of emotional support given by others.
• The likelihood of death increases when a close relative dies.   In one Welsh village, citizens who had lost a close relative died within one year at a rate more than five times greater than those who had not suffered from a relative’s death.

Do we need each other? Yes, I think we do.

Marlene Anderson

Also in the RELATIONSHIPS series:

Part 2: Relationships: Where Do We Start?

Part 3: Relationships: Love Them or Hate Them

Part 4: Relationships Book Feature: Tales of Two Sisters

 Why have I spent so much time on the topic of anger?

Because it is so prevalent and we see its destructive powers everywhere. Like summer wildfires, the results of anger unleashed and unchecked by reason leave behind a path of destruction. Our lives, too, can become tinder boxes ready to explode with just a spark of irritation.

As therapists we see the results of growing up in homes where anger is out of control. The wounds and scars run deep.

Unless recognized, addressed and changed, the patterns of behavior repeat themselves from one generation to another.

Shame, guilt, fear and sometimes downright terror often keep us from getting the help we need. Yet getting that help is the most freeing thing you can do.

Listen to what your anger is telling you. Maybe it’s time to review your priorities and goals. What is most important in your life – your career or your family? Do you spend time with your kids? If you grew up with constant turmoil, conflict and anger, you may be repeating those patterns with your children.

We are not doomed to repeat patterns that are destructive. Knowledge gives us power to change directions, heal and put in motion a different set of rules. Find a good therapist who can help you unravel the roots of your anger.

Five Simple Steps

Here are 5 simple steps to express anger effectively and channel it appropriately. It is a learned skill.

1.When you feel angry, STOP. Don’t immediately react. Take some slow, even breaths. Count to ten if necessary to calm down. Then ask yourself if the anger you feel is appropriate for this situation. If not, what hidden issues are being triggered making this worse?

2. When you are feeling calmer, ask yourself, what do I want to accomplish? What do I want to have happen? Will an angry outburst give me the result I want? We don’t have to be afraid of our anger; we just need to weigh carefully the outcome.

3. Shift from feeling to doing. Move from anger to a clear plan of action. Don’t just feel hurt and angry. Do something constructive about it. Start a conversation. Evaluate and problem solve.

4. Do not accuse. Shifting blame or using accusatory statements only increases the problem. Take responsibility for what you do and say. Instead of saying, you make me so angry, say; I get really angry when this is happening. Then state clearly and simply what you would like to have happen. Focus on what you want versus putting a guilt trip on someone else. Be willing to negotiate or compromise a solution.

5. Listen Each of us come to confrontations and conflicts with our own set of rules, perceptions and agendas. Unless we are able to listen and discuss we will continue to be in our battle zone.

Learning any new skill takes time and practice.

Put in place a prevention plan to reduce the possibility of anger outbursts. Here are some things that will help.

• Recognize your trigger points. Replace angry thinking with problem solving. Continue to keep an anger log until it no longer is a problem. Remind yourself you no longer what to be reactive.

• Have someone model appropriate coping strategies for handling stress and anger. Rehearse them and get feedback. Practice these new skills as often as possible.

• Use relaxation techniques to reduce your stress levels during the day. Mentally visualize yourself reacting in a way that will meet your goals.

• Become aware of those times and places when your anger gets triggered. Avoid them if possible. Learn effective communication and conflict management skills. Ask for what you want and listen to the other person’s point of view.

• Clarify your values to reduce irrational thinking. Expand your frame of reference. Replace negative thinking with constructive problem-solving, empathy, positive self-talk and affirmations.

• Re-direct your anger. Put it into constructive action. Turn it into humor.

Believe in yourself.

Ask God for the strength and courage to be honest with yourself.

When we can acknowledge our vulnerabilities, fears, and perceived weaknesses, we will discover how free that makes us. But if we continue to hide our vulnerabilities, they will rule our life and we remain a prisoner of them.

Marlene Anderson

We are entering the summer fire season, when everything becomes tinder box dry and all it takes is a spark to set in motion a wildfire that can wipe out acres and acres of trees and homes in a short amount of time.

Last summer we saw the devastation of such an event in the eastern part of our state.

If caught in time, fires can be extinguished. If not, they soon become a raging, out-of-control inferno.

It is also time when families take summer vacations, kids get grumpy, parents are stressed to the max and the well of patience has dried up. Even minor irritations become tinder boxes ready to ignite. Once a “wildfire” begins, it quickly feeds upon itself.

The Anger Habit

Anger can become a habit. But like any habit, it can be replaced. We can easily become addicted to anger as our first response to situations. We are the ones who decide whether to get angry or laugh, problem solve or walk away.

Here is how an anger cycle gets started

1. Triggering event: Some event triggers a reaction from us. It might be gestures, profanity,    disrespect, bullying – anything that we perceive as emotionally threatening in some way.

Within families it is that immediate reaction to a child’s temper, talking back or ignoring the rules. We can change our response at this juncture.

2.  Warning signs: emotional and physical. Identify the other first response emotions you are experiencing. Some of those first feelings might be feeling hurt, anxiety, threat, fear, surprise or a combination of emotions. They often go unnoticed, but we can train ourselves to become aware of them.

Go back to other times when you got angry. What were you feeling before that anger kicked in? What were you saying to yourself?

Physical signs include tightening of the jaw, change in breathing, inability to speak slowly and distinctly, altered posture, intense eye contact, facial tics, and flushed complexion. Ask those around you if they see these signs. Then become aware of them yourself.

3.  Thought patterns: feelings don’t happen on their own – they are a response to our interpretation of what is happening.

Ask yourself, why am I getting so angry? Is this incident worthy of this anger response? Is there another way to solve the problem? Has anger worked for me in the past? If not, what did I want to accomplish that my unchecked anger prohibited?

We have three choices available to us with anger:

We can get angry and fight

We can get angry and flee or run away

We can choose to maintain our self-respect, develop the courage to say to ourselves, I am going to engage in a positive way or I will choose to walk away.

It takes courage to walk away.

Courage is defined not just as the ability to conquer fear or despair, but choosing a course that is not easy but requires caring and a purposeful decision.

4. Battle signs: When we have reached the battle stage, we are in fighting mode. We gear up to destroy our enemy and to defend ourselves. The problem is the battlefield is our families, homes, places of work, and the communities we live in. The enemy we kill is our loved ones.

5. Engagement: As we engage with anger, we lose control of our emotions and what is happening. Anything goes – we are no longer in control of what we are doing.

6. Consequences: When anger has spent its emotional power, we can see the devastation it has produced and those who have been wounded. Sometimes the wounding can be fatal in terms of our relationships. When we choose our responses, we choose their consequences as well.

7.  Recovery: The battle is over, emotions calmed down. We have an opportunity to examine what has happened. If you take time to do an assessment and are really honest with yourself, you will be able to answer the following: Did I accomplish what I wanted?

8. The same old way: If we do not assess the consequences, we will continue the same pattern over and over again. The cycle continues. Only the fallout gets worse.

We can change directions, replace habits, and discover different ways to resolve problems by recognizing our patterns of response to events, asking some pertinent questions and then taking time to prepare ourselves for different responses.

Marlene Anderson

Anger – I don’t like it! I don’t know what to do with it! I don’t want it in my life!

In my last blog entitled, “Do you have an Anger Problem,” I listed a series of questions that can help identify an anger problem.

If you think you have a problem with anger, don’t be afraid of it. Recognize the symptoms and redirect the energy to finding solutions.

What should I do if I have a problem with anger?

• First, go over the list of symptoms in last week’s blog. Do you see yourself there? If you think anger may be a problem for you, admit that possibility and take the next step.
• Keep a dairy for at least a week. Mark down every time you get angry. What triggered your anger? What did you say to yourself? What other feelings were you experiencing? What was the first action you took after your anger was triggered? Did it resolve the problem or conflict? Did your response to this situation help or hurt you?
• There are thoughts and long held beliefs attached to our responses to events. It isn’t the events themselves that cause our emotional reaction; it’s our interpretation of those events – what they mean to me. Sometimes those meanings come from long-held grievances that when examined are hurting me. Make a conscious decision to let go of them. We can challenge our thinking and expand or alter our interpretation.
• After you have kept a record for a week or so a pattern will emerge. Has your anger become a habit? Is it just an easy way to deal with irritations? Are you using your anger to protect that “younger self” that was wounded when you had no way to defend or protect yourself? We can use our anger to become assertive without attacking or hurting the rights of another.

An anger problem not only hurts us, but those around us: our spouses, partners, children, relationships, colleagues, etc. Whether acting passive-aggressively or aggressively, others are affected.

Remember that even if we don’t physically attack someone, the words we use not only hurt but injure the spirit and psyche of others. They are weapons that inflict deep wounds that can last a lifetime!

If your own wounding triggers ongoing, unnecessary anger, consider getting professional help.

Next month’s blogs will have a focus on conflict resolution and becoming assertive. Remember: when you are angry, you are trying to fill some need. We can do that without attacking and defending.

If you find yourself getting angry in any situation, step back. Take some deep, slowing breathes. Count to ten or even twenty if necessary. Ask for a time out if anger levels are rising when in a heated argument.

Go for a run or walk around the block. As your anger levels lower, think about what you want and how to ask for it while listening and considering the needs of others as well.

My blogs next month will continue on this series of unspoken stress and will focus on how to deal with anger in others, becoming assertive and negotiating conflicts in our relationships.

For more information on turning your distress into productive stress, my book, Use Stress to Meet Your Goals: 12 Steps to Understanding Stress and Turning it Into a Positive Force, with MP3 recording of each chapter is available on my website for only $19.95. 

Marlene Anderson