“For I will pour water on the thirsty ground and send streams coursing through the parched earth. I will pour my spirit into your descendants and my blessing on your children. They shall sprout like grass on the prairie, like willows alongside creeks.”    

Isaiah 44:3-4

There are two trees in my backyard. Their trunks touching, roots entwining, they reach high into the sky, together yet separate. They symbolize the life I shared with my husband.

The love we shared was as deep and connected as the entwining and supporting roots of these two trees. We nurtured each other while allowing the other the independence to grow in their own ways.

The tree that was Le Roy has been cut down, and the love that flowed through those roots that nourished each other now seeps into barren soil.

This was a journal entry I made after the death of my husband that reflected the life we shared. It is included in my new book, From Winter to Spring, currently being edited for publication that gives helpful information to individuals moving from losses to creating a new reality.

We bring to the marriage altar a truckload of expectations, myths, wants and wishes hoping that now I will be loved unconditionally and all my needs will be met. The problem is that the other person is bringing their own bag of history with them.

In the first glow of married life, couples radiate the acceptance and undivided attention to each other. Together we can conquer the world, raise a family, establish successful careers and live happily ever after.

However, it isn’t long before the first sprouts of discontent begin to grow, anger lifts its ugly head, and the first not-so-nice comments cut into the fabric of love and affection.

While these moments can be corrected and reduced, many times they escalate into a pattern of sarcasm, blame and accusation. The focus becomes what you should be doing for me not what we can do together.

That can lead to what John H. Gottman, in his telling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, refers to as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.” At that juncture, you are in serious trouble.

Marriages do not have to be a constant battlefield. It can be a place where two people share their talents and skills to create a life that can be meaningful for both spouses.

It takes time to build an enduring relationship. But the rapport shared that becomes more important than any momentary dispute or disagreement is worth all the time and effort to create. It requires a commitment to the relationship that is more important than petty quarrels, cross words or misunderstandings.

Where are you in your relationship? How important is your marriage to you? Are you willing to work on making it even better?

In my continued series on relationships, my next blogs will cover those aspects of making your marriage more nurturing and abiding.

 Marlene Anderson

Receive a Free Consultation: Fill out the contact form to receive a Free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Also in the RELATIONSHIPS series:

Part 1: Relationships: Who Needs Them?

Part 2: Relationships: Where Do We Start?

Part 3: Relationships: Love Them or Hate Them

Part 4: Relationships Book Feature: Tales of Two Sisters

Part 5: Relationships: Oh Those Growing Up Years

Part 6: Relationships: Are You on Top or Bottom of the Heap

Part 7: Relationships: Unspoken Rules

Part 8: Relationships:  Grab Hold – Let Go – and Swing

Part 9: Those Good Times

Part 10: Critical Investments

Part 11: Retreat

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In March of this year I wrote this about a friend of mine:

“My sister – not by blood, but by a bond forged over the years.

Sometimes we are fortunate in that God gives two people a heritage that goes beyond blood, and we can truly call ourselves sisters.

Through thick and thin – good times and bad – I know I can depend on her to be there – for support – for physical assistance – someone who never thought twice to fly all the way from England to be with me when my husband was dying.”

And in the same way, she knows I will be there for her, whatever the situation she may be challenged with. It’s not keeping score.

It’s a friendship freely given.

Friends on Retreat

This last weekend I was honored to share my home with three special women. There was no agenda – no topic – just being there for one another. For three days we simply talked, shared and prayed together. It was a time to retreat from our busy schedules and enjoy unstructured relaxed time.

We have been meeting every year for five years.  A one time event has become an annual retreat/get together at my home as distance separates us the rest of the year.

We have formed a bond and kinship that cements a relationship that goes beyond distance, time, and diverse backgrounds.

Friends feed each other. They don’t just share woes and concerns and strategies they have tried in order to alleviate some of the problems they are facing.

They listen and offer validation, but are also able to give compassionate critical comments that can redirect, clarify or offer a change of direction when needed.

Friends feel safe enough to share their vulnerabilities and know they will be respected and honored. There is no one-up-man-ship or what can I take away for me. There is give and take.

There is one relationship that is central to all my others and that is my relationship with Jesus Christ.  He is Friend and Savior who laid down His life for each of us. He is at the core of all my relationships.

If you don’t already know Him, I would encourage you to do so.  You can get acquainted by reading Scripture. He is a breath and invitation away from the most important decision and friendship you will ever make.

Who is on your friend list?

Make a list of all the friends you have and the qualities associated with that friendship.

• What distinguishes them from just another acquaintance?
• What qualities are important for you to maintain a relationship over time?
• Does that friendship go beyond just agreeing about similar things you are passionate about?
• Do you respect their appraisals and opinions when they differ from yours?
• Can you receive constructive criticism as a loving concern from a friend who cares?

For me, the most important quality is the ability to share my love of God and pray together.  We can disagree on many things, but it is the Love of God that crosses all barriers.

We often take our friends for granted. Find a way to let your friend know how much you appreciate them for who they are.

Marlene Anderson

Fill out the contact form to receive a Free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on Relationships or other topics that affect our lives.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Also in the RELATIONSHIPS series:

Part 1: Relationships: Who Needs Them?

Part 2: Relationships: Where Do We Start?

Part 3: Relationships: Love Them or Hate Them

Part 4: Relationships Book Feature: Tales of Two Sisters

Part 5: Relationships: Oh Those Growing Up Years

Part 6: Relationships: Are You on Top or Bottom of the Heap

Part 7: Relationships: Unspoken Rules

Part 8: Relationships:  Grab Hold – Let Go – and Swing

Part 9: Those Good Times

“A friend is a gift you give yourself.”

Robert Louis Stevenson

When you want to make your money grow, you check out investment options. What amount do you need to invest and what will be your return over time.

When I was growing up, I was taught to save 10% of everything I earned. From the berry fields to my first job after high school, there was little left to put into savings after expenses.

But it was a principle I took seriously, abided by and was always amazed at how those little deposits added up over time.

When my husband and I got married, we started out barely able to make ends meet and pay the bills. In fact the first six months of our marriage we lived with his parents.

But over the years, we continued that same principle of putting away whatever we could, investing for future years. It required discipline, self-regulation, sacrifice and commitment. But it was a diligence that paid off in huge dividends.

Investing wisely took a while to learn. Some stocks were too risky, others gave no return for an investment; but after a short period of time we learned how to invest wisely and prudently, maximizing our return while minimizing the risks.

Relationships are Investments

“Many people will walk in and out of your life,

but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

Just as we begin with an amount to invest for financial growth, so we also make a commitment to invest time and energy into our relationships.

In childhood, we played with whoever was around. Later, we hung around kids that gave us social identity and status and with whom we could share the doubts and fears we had growing up. Our investment was for the moment.

Adulthood brought a different circle of friends. Gradually we understood the need to cultivate relationships that extended beyond party time to those who shared similar goals and values. It was a time when we considered the mate we wanted to share our life with. Our investments had became more serious.

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, then walk alone in the light.”

Helen Keller

 Some friendships continue over a lifetime – others go by the wayside – others we drop because those early moments of compatibility were shallow and had no roots to grow.

Friendships where we have invested quality time, energy, love and commitment will be those that give us the greatest return.  This cannot be measured in monetary terms but is huge to living a blessed life.

Choosing friends that share similar values will be someone you can rely on through thick and thin, the ups and downs and difficult times as well as the fun times.  Friends stand by each other, helping to support when they are down and out and cheer you when you have successes.  They are not afraid to extend themselves or sacrifice when it is important. They care for the other as much as they care for themselves. You give and don’t ask for pay back. A good friend is the greatest gift you will ever receive. Your friendship is the greatest gift you can give another.

I have friends that go back over many, many years.  Distance never interfered in the continuation of that friendship. My husband was my best friend.  I have been incredibly blessed as there is nothing in this world that can compare with such friendships.

As I continue to seek out those relationships where support and similar values can be shared, I work at being the best friend I can be in return.

Where have you put your investments?

Think about the friendships you have.  How would you rate them?  How would you rate yourself as a friend.  Think about the following:

1. How do you choose your friends?
2. What qualities are necessary for a dependable, long term relationship?  What is the most important criteria for such an important investment?
3. Do you invest in friendships that offer only short term returns: status, popularity, inclusion, someone to party with, or something you can get from?
4. Can you be genuine and honest in your relationships, comfortable sharing the not so good attributes as well as those you are proud of?
5. Are you able to communicate your thoughts and feelings and work together for long term goals or share similar interests.

While we will have many different types of relationships, some more intimate than others, when we are free to be ourselves and step out to be the best friend we can be, it is an investment that will give us incredible returns.

Marlene Anderson

As we continue our series in relationships, we want to know how we can make our current relationships more meaningful and satisfying.

Exploring our past gives us information about what we bring with us into our present day relationships. We may not always find the answers we want, but we find enough clues to help re-direct, fix or change courses today.

Patterns are repeated from generation to generation.

Children growing up with an alcoholic parent are only too aware of how destructive addictions can have on the family. They swear they won’t repeat the same mistakes. Yet, more times than we want to recognize, children growing up in alcoholic families end up marrying an alcoholic or someone with an addictive personality.

We repeat what we are familiar with. It is what we know. To keep from repeating them, we need to have new information to work with.

Remembering those good times

We  often forget the positive experiences we had growing up. There were those times when we knew we were loved and appreciated, complimented or encouraged. Who were involved in these affirming experiences?

While its important to recognize unhealthy patterns, it is also important to acknowledge those times when we felt good about who we were and find ways to strengthen them.

What worked and why?

Which relationships did we have growing up that made you feel good about yourself?  Which were validating, uplifting and encouraging?  Did you have a special relationship with a parent or grandparent and if so, what made it special? Did you have a friend you could share anything with? Perhaps you had fond memories of a pet you could talk to, hug and who would be with you through thick and thin.

What made those relationships special? What was important to you? Was it loyalty, knowing you could share anything and knew it would be kept confidential? Could you be vulnerable and confide your fears and still be accepted. Perhaps, you shared similar interests or spent hours together doing nothing.

As you think about what was important in past relationships, you can begin to find ways to bring those same attributes into your current relationships.

Who do you hang around with today? Are you trying to be someone you’re not because you think that is what it will take to belong?  Can you take the initiative and be the kind of friend you want another to be? Do others know you are trustworthy?

Make a list of the attributes you think are important in any relationship and start incorporating them into your relationships today.

You can’t change others. You can only change your own behaviors. But they influence those around us.

Marlene Anderson

To inquire about Personal Life Coaching for this series, just fill out the contact form and receive a free consultation. Or sign up for information about speaking engagements or retreats for your church or women’s groups on this other topics.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Also in the RELATIONSHIPS series:

Part 1: Relationships: Who Needs Them?

Part 2: Relationships: Where Do We Start?

Part 3: Relationships: Love Them or Hate Them

Part 4: Relationships Book Feature: Tales of Two Sisters

Part 5: Relationships: Oh Those Growing Up Years

Part 6: Relationships: Are You on Top or Bottom of the Heap

Part 7: Relationships: Unspoken Rules

Grab hold – let go – and swing!

Really!!!

You don’t know what you are asking!

But as we grab hold of understanding our past, we can let go of those parts that hold us hostage and keep us from swinging free into tomorrow.

My son was born without the muscles to hold up his head.  A special brace was designed just for him so he could learn to walk and do all the things every kid does. It had a metal rod that went up the back and was anchored around his waist and around his forehead to hold the head up.

He never let his brace or lack of muscles deter him from grabbing hold of life and swinging into the unknown. He let go of anything that kept him grounded and swung freely.

Handicaps

Handicaps of any kind do not need to deter us. Difficult childhood experiences of neglect, lack of love, favoritism, alcoholism, rejection, abandonment or abuse can feel like handicaps.  They can make us feel as though we are trapped in an ongoing cycle of shame, anger, self doubt or depression. But these nor any other handicaps need to keep us imprisoned to a past or unable to find hope for the future.

Let’s create a rope we can grab hold of and swing to a new way of doing things.

Grab Hold

There are many things from childhood that can have a damaging effect on adult relationships. Growing up, some events will hold a different meaning for one member of the family over another.

What one person may see as an obstacle another may consider as unimportant. Each will experience life within the family in their own way – not necessarily the same.

Grabbing hold of our past means we are ready to examine those things that have affected us and made us feel less than okay.

When feelings and past conflicts are identified and acknowledged, we can choose to look at them within an expanded view.  Hurts, disappointments and feelings of rejection can not have dominance over us unless we let them.

Let Go

We have the choice to examine, work through and let go of painful pasts or to hang onto them.  Accepting allows us to stop fighting, struggling and denying. Working through difficult parts of our past allow us to let go of anger, shame and pain and begin the healing process.

Forgiveness may be required to free us from long held grudges and criticisms.  As we accept the challenge of replacing old hurtful messages, we can construct steel rods of determination to provide the strength and courage to swing forward into a new today and tomorrow.

It is scary to address old fears and unspoken childhood perceptions. What if all those things we were told about how bad we are were actually true?  They are not true.

What if I am rejected again?  Tell yourself you will not reject you. As you give yourself permission to write and speak about these things, they will lose their power over you. Let go of the fear. Walk through it and beyond.

Hang on and Swing

There are no perfect families. There are no perfect parents. There are no perfect children.  We all enter this world struggling to be loved and accepted.  Families carry with them generational baggage.  But as we address the things that continue to do harm, we can change unhealthy patterns along with their outcome.

Here are some ways to swing out of the past and into the present.

1. What things from your past continually interfere with what you want to do today? What are you saying to yourself about yourself?  Are these old messages true? Become aware of your self-talk.

2. Identify the rules you grew up with.  Which ones taught you manners, how to share, be considerate, and values you can apply to your life today?  Celebrate them.

2. Were you allowed to talk about your feelings? Begin by making a list of all the emotions you have every day.  When we were not allowed to express how we felt in the past, we are not able to identify them today.  It may take some time to identify them.  Take a risk and start sharing what you are feeling with a trusted friend.  Some emotions may make you feel uncomfortable.  Take a risk and find a way to express them anyway.

3. What emotions are constantly being triggered, such as anger, feeling unworthy, incompetent, etc. Keep a log and record these feelings and the accompanying thoughts. Challenge their validity along with the beliefs that are attached.  Who said you were unworthy and incompetent?  Why are you not allowed to address your anger as long as you do it appropriately? Who said you can not succeed?

4. Make a list of all the things you do well.  Keep expanding that list everyday. Refer to it whenever you start to doubt yourself.

5. Start a conversation with God.  It would have been very difficult for me to have gone through the losses and challenging life situations without the relationship I had with God.  Even when I doubted, I still knew He was there.  Our faith is strengthened as we make the journey.

Don’t Just Swing – Laugh

My son had a sense of humor that wouldn’t quit.  There was a twinkle in his eye and mischief in his smile. He could make us all laugh.

Life can be fun if we allow it – even when it is tough and full of challenges. But when we take what we were given and turn it into something positive and worth while, we will be blessed and will be a blessing to those around us.

Laugh – take a risk – expand your vision.

Are you ready to take the risk and swing out on your own.  Believe you can and then go for it!

Life can be so rewarding when we let go of anything that holds us back.  We have many gifts and talents just waiting to be developed. There is nothing that can take that away from us. Take what you were given and turn it into a positive force.

Here We Go!!

You may have already started a special journal to record your progress.  If not, get yourself a three ring binder and entitle it “My Life”.  As we go through this series, write down the things from your childhood that were important to you.  What did it feel like growing up in your family of origin?  What things are you afraid to talk about and why?  What things did you enjoy? Journaling is a way to begin that important conversation with yourself.

Create some space for pictures and celebration postings as you record your progress.  You are creating the rope that will create a bridge out of the past and into the here and now. Put in lots of smiley faces. Write down your favorite scripture verses, and comments from those who offer words of hope and affirmation.

Grab hold of your past with all of its nitty-gritty ugliness and rough edges.  Fashion it into a rope, grab hold and swing out. As you let go of anything that has no good purpose and hang on to what you want, the rest will fall away.

.Marlene Anderson

To inquire about Personal Life Coaching for this series, just fill out the contact form and receive a free consultation. Or sign up for information about speaking engagements or retreats for your church or women’s groups on this other topics.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Also in the RELATIONSHIPS series:

Part 1: Relationships: Who Needs Them?

Part 2: Relationships: Where Do We Start?

Part 3: Relationships: Love Them or Hate Them

Part 4: Relationships Book Feature: Tales of Two Sisters

Part 5: Relationships: Oh Those Growing Up Years

Part 6: Relationships: Are You on Top or Bottom of the Heap

Part 7: Relationships: Unspoken Rules

Years ago, I facilitated many parenting classes for Kaiser Permanente Health Education. We helped parents identify the needs of their children and the importance of establishing rules, structure and communication within the family.

If children know what is expected of them, they will know how to comply.  They will understand the consequences of their choices, good or bad and know that they are making those choices.

When children are unsure, there is an undercurrent of not knowing what to do.

Family Meetings

One way for parents to set rules and structure is to do hold periodic family meetings.  In these meetings kids are able to give their input while parents make the final decisions.  Here rules and responsibilities can be discussed and chores and household tasks set for everyone. It is here where the family can discuss vacation options and review different outside schedules.

Rules

While family meetings can provide a prototype or guide for positive family interaction, many of us have grown up with “unspoken rules” and expectations. Instead of a clear understanding of what is acceptable and required, these unspoken rules were not openly acknowledged or discussed, even though everybody knew they were there. And you were not allowed to talk about them.

Children require structure. They need to know what is expected of them and why. They need to know they can make choices and that all choices will have some kind of consequence.  There can be rewards and there may be privileges removed. It is here where children learn how to make important choices.

Well defined rules are an important part of parenting. Spoken rules include such things as “Don’t talk with your mouth full” or “It is not polite to ignore someone when they are talking to you”. They establish what you can and cannot do: “You can go out and play after you have finished your homework” or “It is you turn this week to take the dishes out of the dishwasher.”

When rules are openly acknowledged or discussed, there is no confusion about what is expected.

When expectations and rules are not discussed in the family, but you nevertheless are expected to know them, it can create an atmosphere of uncertainty, distrust, fear and anxiety.

Here are some of these unspoken rules

• Don’t talk, don’t trust and don’t feel. If there is a problem, you don’t talk about it and you don’t tell outsiders. People outside the family are not to be trusted with family problems. You are not allowed to feel; only to accept or discuss on an unemotional level.
• It is not okay to be angry or show anger. There is often a double standard for girls and boys. Women could feel unhappy and teary, but not show anger while it was more acceptable for the boys as long as it was kept under control
• You are not allowed to show or express fear, especially if you are a man
• Emotions in general are not to be expressed. Even with the loss of a pet or death of a grandparent, the unspoken rule was you suffer in silence – you did not openly grieve.
• Sad feelings are not allowed. You are expected to put on a happy face and keep a “stiff upper lip”. You may have been told, “Don’t act like a baby.”
• Arguing is not okay. You are expected to be agreeable at all times even if you are seething inside. The Rule: if you get angry, go away until you have cooled down and then return with a smile and be ready to be a part of the group.

Uncovering your family rules

Unspoken rules often follow us into adulthood. They can keep us from being honest and genuine in our relationships. Many of those rules center around conflict and expressing emotions. To replace or change these old rules, we need to first recognize them.

• What were some of your family rules?
• Did you know what was expected of you?
• As a kid could you talk about your feelings?
• Were there different rules for different people in the family?
• Which rules held important values and principles that you want to continue within your own family?
• Which do you find unhealthy and you want to change or replace?
• How were disputes and conflicts handled?

We are not condemned to repeat the past or be governed by old rules. If we know what behaviors are helpful and which are not, we can change them. A good therapist might be beneficial in helping with this process.

Marlene Anderson