I love leftovers. I love Thanksgiving dinners: turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, and all the other special foods and recipes brought out for our traditional dinners.

But I enjoy the leftovers almost as much: warmed in the microwave, I continue to savor that turkey, stuffing and warm gravy.

However, there is more than just the food leftovers that I want to take home with me. I want to take the camaraderie, the moments of laughter when the past wasn’t remembered and the moment was simply enjoyed.

As we stopped and listened to each other for a moment longer than usual, took time to thank and appreciate all the work and effort of our host and hostess it left a glow of togetherness, friendship and closeness.

But most of all, I want to take home with me the leftovers of gratitude – those things that I was grateful for in that moment when we bowed our head and gave thanks to God for all we had. It is those moments of gratitude that I want to taste every day, not as simple leftovers, but as a regular staple of life.

For if I continue to count my blessings I will slowly begin to see loveliness in the loveless, hope in the hopeless, something special in the mundane of life. I will search for strength when I feel weak, understanding when I feel irritated, and compassion for those who struggle against great odds.

I not only want to hang onto the positive memories, but continue to build on them. This is not wishful thinking or unrealistic optimism; but a purposeful decision I make each morning when I wake. It is a challenge I give myself to turn from the hurtful to the forgiving, to let go of grievances instead of hanging onto them, and choose to build on the beneficial instead of the negative.

I can affirm my choices as I respect others’ decisions. I can work on developing my potential while reaching out to others with a helping hand as they develop theirs. I can affirm my strengths while encouraging others to recognize theirs.

There is so much I can do to continue to build my grateful lists. The benefits are huge and the cost is minimal.

Marlene Anderson

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We all want to be happy. And we want our marriages to not only last, but grow better over time. While some relationships will fail for a variety of reasons, being willing to identify and work on the problems we face is the first major step to a meaningful relationship.

The first years of a marriage tend to be the most vulnerable and statistics reveal that reality. When we are passionately in love, we believe it will last forever.

However, work schedules, babies, chores and home maintenance soon become the focus and we can quickly get mired in daily problems. Add in personal careers and the stresses increase and the relationship begins to suffer.

It is easier than ever to get a divorce and people often hold the mistaken belief that if they get out of their current relationship, the next one would be the one that will make them happy. However, again, the statistics reveal a different picture.

Consider the following divorce stats in America:

1^st marriage     45-50% end in divorce

2^nd       “           60-67%     “

3^rd       “           70-73%     “

In a study in 2004, around 16,000 adult Americans were asked whether they were happier with multiple partners and the response was no – they were happy when they were attached to just one person.  People do want a long term relationship.

What are some of the causes of divorce?

While many reasons contribute to the breakdown of a marriage, the following research data is worth reviewing:

• Some sociologists believe childlessness is a common cause of divorce because the “absence of children leads to loneliness and weariness.” In the U.S. at least 66% of all divorced couples are childless. (From Divorce Magazine)

• A breakdown in communication was cited as a major cause in a recent study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML). It showed that approximately 67.5 percent of all marriages failed because of arguing, the inability to understand the other spouse, or total lack of communication.

• Another predominant factor was infidelity. Almost 30% of all divorces involved cheating on their spouse. Infidelity leads to further communication problems and distrust. Yet there are many marriages that survive cheating. Many prominent studies show that infidelity is the result of a marriage already in distress as spouses reach outside the marriage for comfort and understanding.

What can add the most distrust to a marriage?

• According to experts on marriage and psychology at Loyola University Medical Centre, social media, and Face book in particular, is becoming more and more responsible for dissolving marriages.  This reason may factor into infidelity and communication problems as well.

• Some US lawyers and academics also classify Face book as the leading cause of marriage problems and part of the number one reason for divorce.  According to a study done by the AAML in 2010, four out of five divorce lawyers stated they are seeing increased numbers of evidence pulled from social networking websites that showed contradiction to a spouse’s statements and evidence of infidelity, unreasonable expenditures, and even fraud.  When you are on the internet, you are not interacting with your partner.

See the following links for more information. http://divorce.laws.com/number-one-reason-for-divorce and http://divorce.laws.com/number-one-reason-for-divorce#sthash.Ytu3GHP5.dpuf

In a recent article by Eliana Osborn in the October 15, 2015 Real Simple magazine, she writes that  many relationship experts indicate 4 common problems couples face that lead to the ending of a marriage.

• Letting a problem go on unaddressed for years. Little irritations built to giant proportions. If it is an ongoing irritation to you, schedule a time to sit down and talk about it.

• Feeling disconnected from one another. When the busyness of life keeps people from spending time with one another, there is a disconnect. Couples start taking each other for granted. Hurt feelings gradually become resentful feelings. Schedule time every day, even if only for ten minutes, to talk with your partner. Talk about fun or silly things. Tell your partner how much you appreciate him/her. When criticisms become the norm instead of appreciation, the relationship soon gets into trouble.

• Avoiding confrontation often leads to distancing. We don’t talk about problems because of past negative consequences. But unless issues are addressed, they will only get worse. Confronting requires being willing to listen, compromise and negotiate; it isn’t about changing the other’s values or beliefs.

• Getting stuck in patterns of behavior that go around and around without resolution. In the process we start playing the blame game and taking a victim stance. You have the same argument; you turn away from rather than towards your spouse, to others – co-workers and friends – to complain instead of talking directly to their partner.  It is easier to complain than identify the problem and articulate what you want.

Anything of value is worth tending to.

If you valued your relationship once, what is keeping you from reclaiming that value today?

We need each other. We need healthy, viable relationships whether it is between husband and wife, parents and children or extended families. We need friendships we can rely on. It keeps us young, physically and emotionally healthy and believe it or not, boosts our brain power.

Marlene Anderson

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I’ve tried the communication model, but it seems no matter what I do, we still end up arguing. It just doesn’t seem to be working. Any serious discussions just keep breaking down.

When I bring up a point of disagreement or conflict, it is interpreted as a criticism and is countered with a negative jab at me. I am reminded of when I did this and that and pretty soon we don’t even remember what the current problem is because we are too busy trying to resolve past issues that are no longer relevant.

Why isn’t all this communication stuff working?

Like any skill we develop, communication is an aptitude that needs to be practiced over time to gain competence.

And like any habit we put in place, it is easy to get discouraged and we go back to old ways of doing things.

How do we stay on topic?

Too often we come to our interactions with a hidden agenda – something that isn’t always clear to us at the time. We want the other person to listen and understand our point of view; we don’t necessarily want to hear theirs.

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We don’t come to resolve problems, but to convince the other person that they need to change what they are doing or not doing.

Honest Conversation

What is your honest motive when you are in a sensitive discussion? What do you really want to have happen?  If your secret agenda is to find fault, the discussion will soon break down.  If, on the other hand, it is to genuinely work together to find solutions, your listening, validating and clarification skills will improve. Highly charged emotional differences and problems are never easy to resolve.  It takes both people to come with the desire to work together on them.

If communication continues to break down, ask yourself 

• What do I want the outcome to be of our conversation?
• Have we adequately defined the problem?
• Am I honestly trying to understand the other person’s point of view?
• Is revenge or pay back more a part of this discussion than I want to acknowledge?
• Am I willing to negotiate and compromise?
• What am I prepared to do to improve both our conversations and our relationship?

Anything that is worthwhile in life requires effort and work. Anything of value is worth working to preserve. The benefits are so rewarding.

Think about a beautiful garden that you enjoy. In order for you to continue that enjoyment it requires diligence in pulling weeds, trimming the bushes and digging the soil. A beautiful home will soon become a scene of chaos unless we maintain it.

A promising relationship will soon die if we do not work to keep it vital and flourishing. Without maintenance, it too will quickly dissolve into chaos.

Here are some ways to maintain and help your relationship grow

•  Take time to do things together that are pleasant for both of you.
•  Have discussions about positive occurrences and mutual interests.
• Reframe past negative experiences into more positive ones
• Look for and express your appreciation of the other. Compliment them for the things you appreciate and admire often and spontaneously
• Eliminate labeling, vilifying and stereotyping the other person
•  Refuse to play the blame game or constantly find fault. Stay on task and speak to the issues and not personal global faults
• Try to see where the other person is coming from. It’s okay to disagree and still respect the other’s point of view.
• Speak honestly about your needs. Share them without making the other person feel responsible. Work together to meet relationship needs and goals.
• Respect the others viewpoint and position. Let them know that it is as valid as yours and that you both can be right.

Relationships take a commitment and a willingness to give and take – a desire to know each other better. It is where we realize the joys of intimacy, emotional connection and deep friendship. Within a safe place of mutual respect and support, we can be ourselves and share the challenges and struggles we face. Believe the best of yourself and the other.

Relationships take effort and work.  If this relationship is significant, then it is important for you to explore what it will take to make it grow and thrive. Then start doing those things.

Marlene Anderson

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“But you said. . . .”

“No, I didn’t. . . .”

“Yes, I heard you say. . . . .”

“Well, that’s not what I meant!”

Have you ever had such a conversation with your children or your spouse? You were sure you said what you believed would be easily understood. And yet, that is not what the other person heard.

When we talk to one another, communication is traveling both ways. Messages we send and the messages we hear are colored and often distorted by the filters we have. What sounded clear to us was not heard the same way by another..

Because messages are being loaded on each side of the interaction, by both the speaker and the listener, communication can become unclear and misleading.

We can better make sense of the process if we think about the messages we send as going through a filter that reflects your life in the moment. The message received is also going through a listener’s filter. When we become aware of our filters, we can better transmit messages.

 

What are some of the filters that make communication difficult?

When you get up in the morning grumpy and tired from lack of sleep your mood will influence how you speak. If on top of that you have had a bad day at work, everything went wrong that could go wrong and you return home angry and even more tired. Let’s say the kids are having a great day and are especially exuberant – but you see it as not being considerate about others in the house, your tone and speech will reflect that. If you have been troubled by events that affect you and your spouse, unspoken conflicts that grow in tension, you tenor of voice will reflect that as well.

On the receiving end, your child, co-worker, spouse, boss or anyone else you are conversing with will have their own problems of the day, unsolved problems, unresolved conflicts and concerns. They may be having a good day while you are having a bad one. They may be fighting off a cold and not be as attentive as you think they should.

The messages sent and received will take on a whole new persona. How you feel in the moment, your psychological state of mind and the aches and pains you have will all affect how you formulate your conversation and how the words are heard.

So, is there any hope for us?

Yes. Here are some simple things that can help.

Listening and Validation

A good speaker states exactly what he or she is thinking, wanting or feeling.

A good listener makes sure the intent of the speaker’s message is understood. We do that by asking questions or giving feedback instead of just filling in the gaps with assumptions or guesses.

Feedback

When you give feedback you tell the speaker how you have interpreted the message sent. You are asking for clarification of what you heard, you don’t just assume. If the conversation is turning into an argument, you ask for a stop in the conversation – a request to stop a moment to check on feelings, intent and impact.

 

“Let’s stop a minute. I think we are getting away from the problem at hand?” or

“Wait, stop a minute. How are you feeling right now?”

 

Messages contain both content and emotional meaning.

“You promised to go on a family outing this Saturday

I am upset that you have made different plans.”

 

Give appropriate feedback through paraphrasing, clarification and perception checks.

Paraphrasing is rephrasing or rewording what was said. This is especially useful when instructions are given. It can prevent incorrect inference about instructions given or you are unsure of what you heard and understood was accurate and intended. The person paraphrasing is not being disrespectful or insulting.

Clarification is stating what was said in your own words. It explores the meaning of what was said:

“I heard you say _____________   Is that true?

“Did you say __________ ?

“Do you mean _____________?

Perception Check is when we describe the other person’s feelings. A perception check is not used to express disapproval or approval but simply conveys the desire to better understand how the other is feeling.

“This is how I understand your feelings. Am I accurate?”

“I get the impression you are angry with me when you become quiet. Are you?

“Am I right that you feel disappointed when your mother criticized you?”

“I am not sure if you are confused or angry at me?”

The next time you are in a conversation and you find yourself getting irritated, check your feeling state and what is going on in your life in the moment.  Check the things that might be making your conversation tense for potential misunderstanding. Make adjustments. If you are a listener, do the same and then use the skills of paraphrasing, feedback and confirming to nip problems in the bud.

Marlene A

Communication is about sharing our thoughts and feelings.  It involves some kind of interchange or  conversation. We send and receive messages as we talk about our wants and needs.

Many times, however, our conversations with loved ones end up in misunderstandings and ongoing fights or disagreements.

Why can’t she or he listen?  Why do we end up struggling to be heard and understood? It’s as though the words we speak aren’t registering or are constantly being misinterpreted.

In today’s world there are so many ways to communicate.  Yet, it seems, our every day discussions with loved ones often break down and our exchanges create misunderstanding and division.

Ineffective communication creates on-going irritation and stress.  We begin to see the other in less than loving ways. When communication breaks down between those we love, our relationships begin to unravel.

We need people.  We need to share ideas and perspectives – our joys and laughter – our pain and sorrows. We need effective communication to solve problems, share different points of view, meet today’s challenges, hear a different narrative and seek understanding.

Communication is not just speaking but involves careful listening to hear the other’s intent and meaning connected to their words. We convey our messages not only through words and symbols, but through facial expressions, body language and behaviors.

It sounds so simple – so why do we have such difficulty?

Communication

• Is a process
• Is circular
• Is non-verbal
• Is continuous – you cannot not communicate

Communication breaks down because

• We haven’t learned how to be effective communicators
• We do not know how to listen, give and ask for feedback for clarification
• We do not know how to ask for what we want
• We do not know how to be assertive without being aggressive
• We haven’t put boundaries in place and do not respect the boundaries of others
• We do not take responsibility for our emotions, reactions and responses
• We don’t take the time to organize our thoughts into understandable messages
• We allow fears to keep from having meaningful discussions
• We want to avoid conflicts so we resist sharing our true opinions or deeply held beliefs

During this next week, pay special attention to your conversations. When do they breakdown? What triggers that breakdown? Have you or your loved one become defensive and find yourself attacking rather than talking?

Although we learn to talk almost as soon as we are walking, we are rarely taught how to communicate.  So much pain is endured because we lack the skill of communication.  But that skill is easy to learn and has enormous benefits.

Marlene Anderson

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We hear a lot these days about climate change. Climates have been cyclic for years. Do we influence the weather patterns? I don’t know – and neither do many scientists.

But I do know that we have a huge influence on the climate of our relationships. This is especially important for our marriages.

Years ago Aaron Beck, founder of CBT, helped us understand cognitive distortions, the distorted thinking that gets us into so much trouble. They include All or Nothing Thinking, Overgeneralization, Mental Filtering, and Mind Reading among others.

When we identify and alter these thinking and communication errors, we can change the climate of our relationships.

Let’s take a closer look at these 4 distorted thinking patterns

All or Nothing Thinking

Everything is either black or white. No shades of grey. It is either/or thinking. You are either a saint or a sinner – good guy or bad guy.

This kind of thinking dehumanizes individuals because no one is either all good or all bad. When we have programmed ourselves to see things in such a rigid way, we miss all the wonderful parts of who we are.

Overgeneralization

A single negative event is made into a rule with key words such as never, always, no one, nobody, all, none, every, everybody.

These words slip into our vocabulary so easily and color how we see ourselves and others. “I always screw up” or “I’ll never learn” or “He/she will never change”. We use it with our kids as well. We will make lots of mistakes. Failure is part of growth, learning and achieving. If we hold a belief that we have to be perfect to be okay, we set up impossible rules for ourselves and others and establish a world without grace, forgiveness or development.

Mental Filtering – Ignoring the Positive

With this thinking error, we pay attention only to very selective information, usually what is negative and filter out other more positive information. Key words: loss, unfair, rejection, dangerous, hurt, stupid.

For example, when a person makes a mistake they continue to dwell on what they did wrong and never consider all the things they do right. The same is true for how we look at other person. We focus only on what we don’t like and ignore or filter out anything positive, setting up a destructive interactive pattern.

Mind Reading or Fortune Telling

We jump to conclusions. Our thinking is based on the assumption that everyone is just like us: they think like I do – they feel like I do. This belief says we all experience life exactly the same because we are all human beings.

Mind reading occurs when we interpret other people’s actions and intentions as being negative before we actually know or have checked it out. Our conclusions are reached without any real evidence.

We assume we know what the other person is thinking and feeling and we act in accordance with that assumption, resulting in unrealistic and undefined expectations, assumptions, confusion, mixed messages, anger, labeling and name calling.

If you hear yourself saying, “I just know, I can just tell, I have a strong hunch”, you are probably mind reading. When you anticipate things turning out badly, you are fortune telling and setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy that acts in accordance with a premise considered to be an established fact.

So how can you turn these into positive interactions?

There is so much we can do that will change our relationships for the good. This next week, turn each of the above thinking errors upside down.

• Think about the diversity of yourself and others and celebrate those differences
• Purposefully become aware of the words “never, always, etc.” and eliminate them from your communication
• Make a list of all the positive things you love about your partner and tell them every day. Do the same with yourself.
• Investigate situations and problems. Ask and inquire and collect more information before you draw a conclusion.

Marlene Anderson

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