Life offers us those wonderful moments and opportunities that can not only enrich our lives, but fill it with adventure and growth.

When we recognize and engage them, we develop new skills and perfect old ones.

From the time I was a little girl, I had wanted to be a singer. However, growing up on a farm gave little opportunity to take piano lessons and participate in musical events.

So, when I went back to college to get my degree, I planned my courses around music. But it soon became clear, that without that early background in music, it would be difficult to make it a career choice. So, I switched to my next love – psychology.

Now, many years later, I have the opportunity to sing with several choral groups. One in particular, The Skagit Valley Chorale, a prestigious group of experienced and proficient singers has given me that occasion to sing and grow more competent in my skills.

This weekend, The Skagit Valley Chorale held their spring concerts, directed by Dr. Adam Burdick. We had a standing ovation for both concerts.

From Bach to Whitacre’s “Five Hebrew Love Songs”; Aaron Copland’s, “Stomp your Foot” to the beautiful “Walden” and “A Child Said”, ending with “Colorado Trails”, and a rousing American Folk Song, “Cindy”.  The entire program was celebrating music and was a hit both with the audience and those of us lucky enough to sing it.

Am I promoting the Skagit Valley Chorale? Of course I am. And if you can sing, come join us. You will meet the greatest bunch of people from all walks of life who love to sing.

And I encourage those who live anywhere near Mt. Vernon, WA to attend our Christmas concert with music selections from around the globe.

Visit our website http://www.skagitvalleychorale.org/

Life’s Joyful Opportunities

But I also am promoting the opportunities we have to experience more of life if we are open to seeing them, and are prepared to roll up our sleeves and become involved.

The joys of life’s opportunities are everywhere. We just have to look for them.

They don’t have to be singing with a group or playing an instrument in a local symphony. It could be working quietly as a hospital volunteer, working with kids in your church, leading a group in discussion and growth or working at a food bank.  You could join a photography or art class.   Anything that enhances our lives in some way is worth seeking after.

When those opportunities are helping others in some way, they become a greater blessing.  When we offer encouraging words of appreciation and thanks to those we interact with, or stop to listen to someone who is having a bad day we share the joy of life and God’s love with others.  Burdens shared become less of a burden.

We can move in a very visible world, yet feel as though we are invisible to those around us.

Look for those wonderful opportunities.  Be ready to put in the work and discipline and then reap the rewards of achievement, doing something you love and giving to others.

Marlene Anderson

If you enjoyed this blog post, share with your friends.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Receive a Free Consultation: Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives.

Last month I spent a wonderful week at the Mt. Herman Writer’s Conference.

Although overwhelming at times with all the information, convening with agents, editors and mentors, and attending classes and meeting so many wonderful new people, it was an exhilarating and exciting time.

One of the places available to us within this large conference center, was a little store filled with books, trinkets and items to take back with us in remembrance of this experience. And we were given time between scheduled events to explore the variety of places at the center.

I love to collect cups that hold a special meaning to a place I have visited. My eye was drawn to a beautiful cup in soft yellow hues with pastel purples, waving strands of heather and flitting butterflies.

But what I especially appreciated was the words imprinted on the side:

Real friends listen with their hearts

As I contemplated this week’s blog on friendships and relationships, I thought about what these words meant.  What would be different if we just listened with our hearts and not our minds?

We want friends who will understand our cries of loneliness, heartbreak, doubts and anxieties. We want to be heard without judgment.

Friends can let us know that someone cares beyond the external trivial matter. We want to share our hearts and be heard from that perspective.

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark,

then walk alone in the light.”

Helen Keller

A friend accepts our point of view even when it differs from their own.  They strive to see things from our perspective as well as their own.

When we have suffered a loss, we are wounded and vulnerable.  A friend can walk beside us while we heal.  They are dependable and trustworthy and the relationship is more important than simply sharing thoughts and stories.

Listening with the heart accepts that vulnerable side of us while the mind simply computes words.

The heart identifies and validates and shares. Listening with our hearts tells another we do understand and we do care even if we can’t fix the problems we share.

Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together

I hope that I can be that good friend to another.

Marlene Anderson

If you enjoyed this blog post, share with your friends.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Receive a Free Consultation: Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives.

As I work with my editor on the final edit of my book, From Winter to Spring, I am reminded of how important the relationship I shared with my husband had been. A chapter from this book entitled, Entwining Roots, reflect that special relationship.

“There are two trees in my backyard. Their trunks touching, roots entwining, they reach high into the sky – together – yet separate. They symbolize the life I shared with my husband – a love as deep and connected as the entwining and supporting roots of these two trees.

We nurtured each other while allowing the other the independence to grow in their own way. That tree has now been cut down and I stand alone.”

When we go through the death of a loved one, we are reminded of how important they were to the fabric of our lives.

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship

that makes unhappy marriages.” Friedrich Nietzsche

We worked together to raise our family, take care of ailing parents and the raising of two special needs children.

While there were moments of conflict and disagreements, we both held our relationship in high esteem and more important than anything else.

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love.

Love risks degenerating into obsession, 

friendship is never anything but sharing.”

Elie Wiesel

We determine the depth of our friendships. We can choose to “work” on building a strong, positive relationship or focus on all the things that irritate us about our spouse.

Together but still lonely

In an article posted in psychology today, it talks about being together in a marriage but still lonely and gives 3 ways we can connect with the “distant person next to you on the couch.”

1. Take the initiative. If you are lonely, your partner probably is as well. Make a decision to start that conversation and be sensitive to listening

2. Create shared experiences. If you want to have a relationship, you can’t always spend your lives in different rooms of the house. You need to share what is important to each of you.  Tell your spouse what is important to you and encourage your spouse to do the same.  Schedule time to be together and do things together.

3. Practice taking their perspective. We may think we know what the other is thinking and take for granted the marriage. But research indicates we do not know what is truly important to the other. The more you can understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings and identify with them, the deeper your mutual bond will become.

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself  

— and especially to feel, or not feel.

Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them.

That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.”

Jim Morrison

We need strong friends to help weather the storms of life. Our spouses can be more than just working partners, but be that strong, best friend who supports us.

Marlene Anderson

If you enjoyed this blog post, share with your friends.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Receive a Free Consultation: Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives.

“Like my Page”

“Friend me”

We live in a world of cyberspace, where “friends” have become known by the “like” or “share” buttons on social media sites. “Do you want to “friend” this person?” “Like my page” or “here are some people you might like to add to your “friend” list.”

With the click of a button you can have friends all over the world. How great is that?

“A real friend is one who walks in when

the rest of the world walks out.” 

Walter Winchell

But are they really “friends”?

I guess I’m old fashioned. I want to sit across from my friends at a restaurant, or in my living room or at my kitchen table and talk to them up close and personal.

I want more than just a picture, a “click” button or a text by phone.

I want to hear them speak, sharing their joys, sadness and sorrows in person.

I want to see the twinkle in their eyes as they share some good news, and hear the laughter as I deliver the punch line to a joke.

“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” Thomas Aquinas

I want to be in the same space and giggle and laugh

and talk about everything and nothing as we work

together on a project.

I want to offer a hug, a consoling touch on the shoulder or a gentle squeeze of the hand when my friends are  down and out.

Swing on Porch ca. 2000

Or sit on the porch swing with a glass of wine

and a piece of chocolate.

Ahhhh – chocolate and easy conversation. . .

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

Linda Grayson

And then there are those times when a friend goes one step further.  After a delightful lunch, on a bright sunny spring day, she asks if you’d like to take a ride in her new red convertible, that a loving husband had given her for Christmas! Wow – does it get any better than this?

And then, after a giggling spin on the back roads, she invites you to sit behind the wheel.

How cool is that!

What a hoot!

Thanks Laura – you not only are the best webmaster in the whole wide world, but you are a very special friend.

Am I blessed or what!!!

Friends are gifts from God for us to enjoy and treasure. A special thanks and blessings to all my friends – with or without chocolate or jazzy red sports convertibles – and yes, all my cyberspace friends as well – too many to name.

Marlene Anderson

People who know me, know how important friendships are to me.

Relationships are the backbone of our sense of being. It is where we discover who we are.

Friends. Anyone who has had a loyal, long term friend knows exactly what I am talking about.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish and deceitful”  Proverbs 27:6

There is give and take; they are not just there for the good times, but also for the tough times. They will travel great distances to be there in your time of need.  Thank you Dede.

They support you when you are down and out and help you work through difficult problems without automatically giving you their answers to your problem.

They listen and validate what you are experiencing without critical judgment.

They support you as you struggle through hard times.

They are loyal throughout the years.

Friends – what would the world be without them?

Some friends start out as casual acquaintances and then either build from there or become passing ships on the busy road of life.

But it is those who you build upon that are worth a fortune.

Sometimes, they come in a moment in time and then are gone to appear  again years later and you begin where you left off.

Such was what happened last week, when after 26 years I was to meet again a now accomplished and very talented composer from Russia who first visited our home years ago introduced by friends of ours.

We remembered and reminisced about that time so long ago. None of us had forgotten. Nice to see you again, Sergay.

But to have friends you must first be a friend.

What kind of friend would you say you were?

Would your friends agree?

Are you loyal? Do you care as much for them as you care for yourself?

Are you willing to go that extra mile without expecting something in return?

Do you consider your friends wants and needs as much as your own?

Are you respectful of your differences?

How many friends do  you have that have lasted for many years?

As we go forward with relationships, let’s talk about what it means to be a friend.

Write and tell me about your wonderful friendships and what made them so good.

Marlene Anderson

We rounded a corner in the headland and glided into a little cove snuggled in the contours of the island. After sailing all day with rising winds and a chop on the water, we were ready to drop anchor for the night.

Protected from the bluster and nip of the wind, the air was balmy and pleasantly warm. We quickly discarded our jackets, stowed the sails and set the anchor.

As our sailboat gently floated from its tether, we brought pillows from below and settled into the cockpit to enjoy the final magnificent display of a sunset in the San Juan Islands.

Birds circled and cawed to each other. A sea gull glided down and settled into the water with hardly a ripple. A blue heron watched us from the shore before returning to snatch bits of food from the water’s edge.

As the day continued its journey into evening, wispy clouds reflected the changing colors of the setting sun: red – coral – grey and gold. As it dipped behind the edge of the earth, sky and sea melted together and became one. And the heart and soul and mind experienced a deep peace.

At the end of a long day “sailing” in our world of business, family and work, we are ready to drop anchor in some quiet cove – a special spot where the harsh winds of the day are blocked and we can settle down for a night of respite and reprieve from the harsh realities of the day.

Snuggled into the companionship of our loved ones, we share the day’s events and give each other support; it is where we commune in silence as well as conversation.

Quiet Coves

The past blogs have been about relationships – relating to one another as couples, learning communication skills, and relating to our children as parents.

There is another vital relationship that is needed in our lives. It is the spiritual relationship with God. As a Christian, my faith is deeply rooted in God. He is my moral compass and the anchor of my values.

Easter falls on the last Sunday in March this year. It is when we celebrate the life and death of God’s Son, Jesus Christ, who chose to die the cruelest of tortured deaths – on a Roman cross, for us. The birth, life and death of Christ epitomizes the love of a long-suffering and patient God who encourages us to come to Him with humility, confession, to seek forgiveness and be healed. He offers grace, love and peace.

When I think of relaxing in the stern of our sailboat in a quiet cove in the San Juan’s, I am reminded that God is all around me at all times – in the stillness of quiet coves, the beauty of waterways and land masses.

We experience His timeless love in the magnitude of His creation; the endless skies, the birds flying overhead and the fish swimming under the sea. It is a time when communing with God is so easy.

I do not have to be in a quiet cove or resting in the stern of a floating sailboat to commune with God. That communing can happen any time I sit down and simply sit with my Lord.

Sometimes it is in the beginning of the day – sometimes it is in the evening. But as always, that quiet companionship and deepening relationship, brings peace and solace to the roughest of days.

Without these respite moments with God, life becomes stressful, hectic and more chaotic. It is within these quiet moments with our Lord that we find respite for our soul and spirits from the harsh winds of the day. They are a reprieve from the harsh realities of the day. As I commune in silence or open dialogue, I am fed by His Holy Spirit and love and I am at peace.

Marlene Anderson

Receive a Free Consultation: Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives.

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Living without rules and laws would soon result in a breakdown of order within our homes and in society.  Without respect for the property and rights of others, life would eventually become chaotic.

Children who grow up with noncompliance, being disobedient and unwilling to cooperate tend to have severe adjustment problems as they grow up.  Learning to listen and obey is important.

 

If you want compliance from your children, you need to inform them of what is expected. Obedience doesn’t mean that you don’t listen to your kids reasons or try to understand things from their point of view. It doesn’t mean we demand rigid uncompromising obedience that makes our kids fearful.

When compliance is connected with simply stated and understood rules, it is easier for children to obey.  As they understand the need for rules they will be able to self-govern and self-regulate when they get older.

As Dr. Frank Lawlis reminds us in his book, Retraining the Brain, that “receiving consistent, positive reinforcement” is the best way to reach success and put in place consistent and constructive patterns of behavior.  Along with compliance, our children need positive encouragement and reinforcement.

There are three behaviors typically connected with anti-social behaviors:

non-compliance, temper tantrums and avoidance of responsibility.

When children learn to obey and are respectful of others within the home, they will be able to function appropriately in different social settings.

The following are a few ways to encourage compliance.

The 1 – 2 – 3 Rule 

For younger kids, a simple 1-2-3 rule can be used. Tell them what you expect and want along with the consequences for non-compliance.  Give the command, then give a second warning in 10 seconds. If they do not comply, they go to time out.

A time does not mean sending then to their room for long periods of time with their toys. Time out is sitting in a chair without social interaction from others for about 3-5 minutes maximum.  No toys.  No talking to anyone. There is nothing more effective in changing behavior than spending 3-5 dull minutes without attention or toys to play with.

 The five minute work chore

For older children, the five minute work chore can be applied to maintain cooperation and compliance.  Once again, try more positive ways to gain cooperation before resorting to removal of privileges or the application of small work details.  Do not use bribes.

Make a list of little jobs around the house that take about five minutes to complete. When children  do not comply and you have given them a warning, assign a five minute chore to complete. Here are some examples:

Scrub burner on stove

Clean kitchen or bathroom sink

Sweep floor or vacuum carpet in one room

Clean toilet bowl

Clean mirror in bathroom

Empty dishwasher

Fold one load of laundry

If they do not comply with either your request or the five minute chore, remove a privilege that they would normally have that day.

Avoid power struggles. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a confrontation. Take some slow, long even breaths to remain calm. Think about what you want to say and what you want to accomplish beforehand.

Here are 8 steps involved with a five minute work chore

• Make requests without anger or a confrontational attitude
• Warn teen that you will impose a work chore if there is noncompliance
• Don’t lecture or argue
• Before you make a request, have two work chores that you can impose if necessary
• Impose no more than two work chores before you withdraw a privilege
• Make sure the chore is brief
• Stay out of the way while they are doing the work
• Remain calm and neutral

Focus on Cooperation

Remember, positive reinforcement is better when applicable.  Whenever possible work together to achieve cooperation.  Be considerate of the feelings, wishes and wants of all members of the family.

Cooperation begins when children are reasonably compliant. It cannot happen if you are constantly in a power struggle. Foster cooperation by creating a positive atmosphere through play, listening and spending time together.

If you want cooperation, be clear with what you want. Make instructions and requests short and succinct and in a pleasant manner. See my 2-16-16 blog on rules.

There are many parenting books on the market. The “STEP books for Systematic Training for Effective Parenting” by Don Dinkmeyer and Gary D.McKay are explanatory and easy to follow.  The one on Parenting Teenagers is particularly useful as it can be a difficult time for both teens and parents during the teen years. Another set of books that give step-by-step approach for parenting adolescents is “Parents and Adolescents Living Together” by Gerald Patterson and Marion Forgatch.

Marlene Anderson

Sign up today to receive the entire series:  http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

Free Consultation:  

Fill out the contact form to receive a free consultation about Personal Life Coaching, whether for relationships, communication, parenting or developing your focus in life.  You can also sign up for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church or women’s groups on relationships or other topics that affect our lives. I am available for individual training or presentation to a group or staff regarding parenting